Bears – 2, Stupid Human – 0

Yeah, we’re batting zero. Today was sunny and gorgeous. Still snow everywhere of course, but I pulled out a beach chair and sat on the lawn. Which is covered in four feet of snow, mind you, so it was a climb up there. But sit I did, and just soaked up some rays. Sure I was bundled up, but THE SUN WAS OUT. I had my People magazine, my iced tea . . . I’m spring ready.

And then I sort of dozed. Woke up to a rustle. And then blinked in shock as a bear walked right past my outstretched legs.

Um … YIKES. I’d been so still, he just hadn’t bothered with me. Until I jerked upright, dropping the magazine and the tea. Bear! Right THERE! I mean seriously, holy shit. So he keeps walking, and then about five feet from me, lumbers around to look at me.

Stare down contest.

I couldn’t take it. I went running up the open stairs to my front door . . . only of course it was locked. I’d come outside through the garage. Idiot. Moron. Bear Bait!!! Hyperventilating now, I had to come back down the stairs, walk RIGHT PAST THE BEAR, who is by now sitting on my driveway curiously watchng the stupid human run around like a chicken without her head. He didn’t bother me as I raced into the garage. I ran to the back, hit the close door button.

Have you ever noticed how SLOWLY a garage door closes?

But I’ve lived to tell the tale, so that’s something . . .

And I’ve got to say. Yesterday’s spider suddenly doesn’t seem so bad.

29 Comments on “Bears – 2, Stupid Human – 0

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  1. Tell Mr. Jill Shalvis to take the bear suit back to the costume rental shop. But seriously, wow! I’m glad you’re alright.

    Ponder this…waking up to find the close trail of paw prints that weren’t there when you fell asleep…hmmm… better? Or worse?

  2. I fee like I’ve seemn this in a cartoon. Yogi bear maybe? Maybe Looney Tunes or Disney? I watched them all in my youth. šŸ˜Š

  3. You know all the time I lived in Tahoe I never saw a bear, or wolf. I did see a couple of cyotes. But I think it would be entertaining to be a bird sitting in a tree yesterday our any day. Sorry I know that’s st your expense.

  4. Must have been bear day. We live in the foothills of Southern California. Monday,my husband went out the front door to get in the car. Dog had been barking at the front window but he hadn’t seen anything when he looked out. He goes out the front door and starts down the stairs and a medium-sized bear comes out from around my son’s car.

  5. Oh Jill I laughed so hard as I envisioned this. As we have bears too.
    A few years ago, there was one hanging around our house. Stealing bird feeders. It was a big guy and he got up on the back deck. He didn’t find anything there, so he lumbered around to the front. The grill.
    “The grill” I screamed at my husband. I pushed him out of the way, opened the front door. There I stood face to face with the bear, who was ready to trash our grill, as we had cooked out that day. I bet the smell was inviting.
    It was then that I realized what I had done. I was was looking at him. He was looking at me.
    I screamed a blood curdling scream.
    Apparently he didn’t appreciate that, and jumped off the deck.
    The grill was safe, but I was shaking in my shoes. What had I done?
    My husband looked at me like I had gone mad. Maybe I had.
    He did manage to trash the recycling shed that night. Maybe in retaliation for me screaming in his ears.

  6. ROTFLMAO. I shouldn’t laugh…I shouldn’t laugh….*insane giggling* My Niece wondered why I was laughing so hard, so I pointed at the screen. She read it…blinked…blinked again…then remarked “Does this kind of stuff happen to her often?” “Yup.” “She’t not a country girl is she?” “Nope” *more giggling*

  7. I can’t believe it just ambled past you and didn’t chase you. So glad you didn’t become bear food.

  8. OMG woman! Are you crazy, with your luck you would doze around your outside??? I mean really Jill. What were you thinking? I really wonder what hubby said when you relayed this little ditty to him? Thank God you did not have the puppies out there with you.

  9. Well now…that’d get your attention! Scary…you know they can outrun just about anything…good job he was still dopy from the hibernation…ours are just starting to come out now….blackies reported, no grizzs yet….praying I run into to no moose anytime soon….cows will be prepping for calving and they get really testy!

  10. Have mercy, woman. You’ll just have to wait for spring inside your house, without the bear.

  11. So glad your OK, but . . . LMAO! You seriously need to get together with a comedy writer and give him/her your stories. šŸ™‚

  12. Don’t feel bad about your reaction. I would have done the same thing. And yes, garage doors are VERY slow to close.

  13. Omfg, Iā€™d have peed my pants. You should carry that bear spray with you at alll times. I could just imagine if he could talk, him going back to his den telling his other half this story and laughing at it. Either way, Iā€™d still have peed my pants.

  14. Be careful out there. I’m sure there are many books in your head and we want them all!

  15. This stuff is always funny when it happens to someone else, haha. Glad nothing happened, and you got to your garage safe, but now I really want to read the bear’s version of this. Wink, wink.

  16. I love your posts – they just brighten up my day & make me feel so normal! I’m pretty sure the bear was wondering WTF? I would probably have passed out from terror, so kudos to you for your sprinting ability. The dogs were probably inside wishing they could join the fun, right? Bear beats spider any day – hope you didn’t lose a boot this time.

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