Best Of
January 3, 2013 | Filed under: Stuff
The other day I ran around all day like a chicken with her head cut off, errands here, errands there, and then a basketball game and that went into overtime and when I finally got home, the animals were waiting at the door like WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?
All I wanted were my pj’s and food. I’d texted Alpha Man saying that if he brought home dinner, he’d be a very lucky man. Hopefully he bothered to look at his phone.
Meanwhile, the dog was stepping on the pup and the pup was stepping on the cat, so I set down the mail, the laptop, peeled off the hat and gloves and coat, and picked up the cat first to save her life. Did she thank me? Sort of. She was purring and acting all adorable and nuzzling in my hair and neck and against my favorite sweater and suddenly through my exhausted haze I realized she was STINKY.
I pulled her away to look at her and that’s when I saw it. POOP on her back legs and belly. As this is winding its way through my brain, which was registering YOU HAVE CAT POOP ALL OVER YOU, YOU HAVE CAT POOP ALL OVER YOU, the pup was hunched over and making a funny noise.
He was throwing up on my mail. And my coat. And my scarf. And when I shouted NO, he ran off and hunched over and threw up on the living room rug.
So I’m holding a squirming cat with poop all over me, and the pup is throwing up. And maybe I yell WTF and the pup takes that to mean NOT THERE EITHER, and runs to another spot on the living room floor and begins to throw up THERE. Because that spot is so much better.
I feel this urge to start screaming.
At this point my cell phone starts ringing and I look at the ID. Good, it’s Alpha Man. I can yell at him too. “WHAT?” I say into the phone, smelling like poop, watching the dog puke.
“I’m bringing home pizza with the works.”
He was sounding quite proud of himself, like a man who’d read his text and had high hopes for the evening. But now with the poop and the puke, I want to never eat again. “New plan,” I said. “I’m running away from home. Alone.”
There was a silence as he processed this. “Did you want Chinese instead?”
Posted by Jill @ 4:30 am | Make a Comment
Kelli Evans says:
LMBO!! Too funny.
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 6:10 amMichelle V. says:
Oh god, I love your stories!!! And unfortunatly I have been there only with one cat and one dog.
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 6:37 amLorelei B. says:
I hope you can now laugh about it! Too Funny!
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 6:37 amteresa C. says:
No doubt you are laughing at all that now, but its very stressfull when its happening. you make us laugh and show us that no matter where we live or who we are…we are all the same and have the same experiences….thank you hope its a better day today
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 6:49 amLinda DeBauge says:
I love alpha man’s responses to your trauma!
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 6:50 amkris says:
that’s hysterical. alpha man is as funny as you are!
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 7:16 amMichele says:
From now on when I think I’m having a bad day, all I’ll have to do is remember this little mess and I’ll realize…My day’s not so bad after all.
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 7:19 amMaryAnne says:
OMG…LMAO
You REALLY do have your ‘Lucy’ moments don’t you?
You gotta love Alpha Man for trying a different angle on food
I could read his ‘deflating ego’ through your writing 
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 7:22 amStephanie S. says:
LOL. Sorry to hear about your day, but it sure did make me laugh and so much more appreciate of my uneventful morning.
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 7:45 amAngie says:
I feel for you. Was there something in the air because my dog got sick during my lunch hour yesterday. My husband sat there while I cleaned it up, but he was nice enough to let the dog out. When Sarge came back in, he acted like nothing happened. I ended up finishing my lunch and coming back to work. Hope Alpha Man brought you something home to eat and helped you out with the animals.
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 7:45 amMoira says:
OMG you crack me up – there is a reason we have no pets in our house except for fish!!!
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 7:51 amSteffi K says:
awww poor Alpha man and poor you!
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 8:07 amMichelle says:
OMG – Hilarous… This could only seem to happen to you. Poor Alpha. He seems to be a good Desi to your Lucy.
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 8:16 amPaula R. says:
Oh Jill, I am ROFLMAO!! I hope you wash off before running away…lol! I hope the puppy is feeling better.
Peace and love,
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 8:27 amPaula R.
Sue G. says:
Sorry about your day, but life with your blog is just what the doctor ordered! Thanks for the laughs!
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 8:53 amGwen says:
lol that is so funny! I had that about 6 months ago when both my dogs had the flu and were upchucking and pooping all over the place. Ugh! Hope it’s better.
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 9:39 amGwen D. says:
O M G 
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 10:11 amAnne L. says:
OMG…because I was laughing out loud my husband asked what was so funny. I read him the story and he laughed too. Then he said….sounds like something I would say! You are just too funny Jill!
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 10:50 amGlittergirl says:
YOU ROCK! You have a GIFT for telling awful stories and making them funny. Thanks for starting my New Year off with a laugh
But seriously, I’m sorry for the mess and why does it seem that life gives us more when we are the most tired? Your Alpha Man is the greatest
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 10:57 amMary Jeanne Hoover says:
Oh, I’m so sorry to laugh at your expense! But tears are rolling down my face, I’m laughing so hard. Thanks for sharing and I hope your day improves!
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 11:05 amcatslady says:
Oh, it’s in the telling…lol. 90% of our house is rugless but somehow they always seem to find it and like your dog, if you yell they run while gaking! Thank goodness I’ve only had a poop incident when our puppy got into and ate baby oil. Horrible story. Your husband really sounds like a keeper though lol.
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 11:23 amCarol O. says:
Lol!! Sorry but I feel bad for Alpha Man.
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 11:24 amElen Grey says:
Ha ha. Ho ho. Hee hee. I’m gasping from laughing. My ribs hurt. Thank you. I can go write now.
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 11:35 amHeather says:
SO FUNNY! And boy – yes that is my life. The dog is elderly and can’t always make it to the door, and the cat is pissed at the dog so she’s peeing on the carpet in the bathroom near her box. Note: not IN her box, just near it.
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 12:22 pmMarcy says:
What a day! I hope it improved and Alpha Man got some credit for dinner. LOL
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 1:04 pmDonna M says:
This is Best of: but I do not remember this story. Must have missed it.
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 1:16 pmJudy F says:
Love it
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 2:58 pmev says:
I’m sitting here eating dinner, laughing my head off. I feel your pain. And Poop. After 10 days traveling with 2 cats and adding them to the mix when we got home, I’m ready to run away myself.
And he really doesn’t get thrown for a loop too much does he?
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 5:28 pmMelissa says:
Oh my gosh I think this needs to be worked into your next book. Especially the part where the guy pauses and says “Did you want chinese instead”. So like a guy to misinterpret something because he can’t read a woman’s mind, loved it!
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 6:01 pmKimberly K says:
HAHAHA I love Alpha Man’s response. My husband said he would have had the same response. Men.
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 6:03 pmI have also had that feeling of wanting to run away. My favorite was coming home to decorative poop all over my house. The hubs got a lovely phone call about that one lol Apparently I was a little too good at expressing my feelings about that- he told me later that he stayed at work 20 min later than needed to get out of having to clean it up.
Kai W. says:
Jill, you are too funny. The Alpha Man just seemed to take everything in stride.
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 7:02 pmEileen A-W says:
LOL!!! Too funny!!!
I hope that the animals are feeling better and that ALpha man helped with the clean up. His response was classic!!! 
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 7:47 pmaj dean says:
hahahahah LOVE IT LOVE IT!i hope that alpha man was a good hubby and cleaned up all the mess for you!
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 8:14 pmQuilt Lady says:
Loved it. Sounds like you had one of my days.
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 8:36 pmSharlene Wegner says:
We don’t have dogs or cats, but I remember my son being sick from both ends & doing laundry all day long. Hope everyone is feeling better!
Posted on January 3rd, 2013 at 8:53 pmChristine Weber says:
I just love your stories.
I love it when my German Shepard, Blaze eats something he shouldn’t while outside and sometime during the night instead of waking me up I walk into living room and he had diarrhea all over the house and in every room except for my bedroom where he sleeps beside my bed.
Posted on January 6th, 2013 at 7:12 pmMary Pendleton says:
Dear Jill – This one had me laughing so hard I nearly peed myself. It sounds like something that would happen at my house. I remember the time my middle son was standing in the doorway between the kitchen and dining room, throwing up. Of course he was facing the dining room, which is carpeted. So I’m yelling, “Just turn around and aim towards the kitchen”, because at least the kitchen floor is vinyl – much easier to clean up. This is also the same kid that managed to get stitches in his head a half dozen times before he was 10. I told him when he grows old and bald, he’s going to wonder where all these scars came from.
Posted on January 7th, 2013 at 2:36 pmKeep smiling – makes the rest of the world wonder what you’re up to!
P.S. I agree that you need to use alpha man’s comment about bringing home Chinese instead of the pizza in a book – it’s too priceless!