January 3, 2013 | Filed under: Stuff
The other day I ran around all day like a chicken with her head cut off, errands here, errands there, and then a basketball game and that went into overtime and when I finally got home, the animals were waiting at the door like WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?
All I wanted were my pj’s and food. I’d texted Alpha Man saying that if he brought home dinner, he’d be a very lucky man. Hopefully he bothered to look at his phone.
Meanwhile, the dog was stepping on the pup and the pup was stepping on the cat, so I set down the mail, the laptop, peeled off the hat and gloves and coat, and picked up the cat first to save her life. Did she thank me? Sort of. She was purring and acting all adorable and nuzzling in my hair and neck and against my favorite sweater and suddenly through my exhausted haze I realized she was STINKY.
I pulled her away to look at her and that’s when I saw it. POOP on her back legs and belly. As this is winding its way through my brain, which was registering YOU HAVE CAT POOP ALL OVER YOU, YOU HAVE CAT POOP ALL OVER YOU, the pup was hunched over and making a funny noise.
He was throwing up on my mail. And my coat. And my scarf. And when I shouted NO, he ran off and hunched over and threw up on the living room rug.
So I’m holding a squirming cat with poop all over me, and the pup is throwing up. And maybe I yell WTF and the pup takes that to mean NOT THERE EITHER, and runs to another spot on the living room floor and begins to throw up THERE. Because that spot is so much better.
I feel this urge to start screaming.
At this point my cell phone starts ringing and I look at the ID. Good, it’s Alpha Man. I can yell at him too. “WHAT?” I say into the phone, smelling like poop, watching the dog puke.
“I’m bringing home pizza with the works.”
He was sounding quite proud of himself, like a man who’d read his text and had high hopes for the evening. But now with the poop and the puke, I want to never eat again. “New plan,” I said. “I’m running away from home. Alone.”
There was a silence as he processed this. “Did you want Chinese instead?”