Best of
July 20, 2012 | Filed under: Stuff
Yes, I have pictures but let me set up the scenario for you, shall I? So I was in the yard out front at dusk, playing ball with Mountain Barbie when suddenly, and brace yourselves because I sure did, a baby bear came bounding up to us, all “hey can I play too?” I went utterly still in shock because for a second, the dog and the bear cub looked so much alike it was startling. And I know that’s what happened with little baby bear too, he thought Mountain Barbie was one of them.
Not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, Mountain Barbie blinked, then shook it off and panted happily, willing to play. I’m like MOUNTAIN BARBIE, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING FROM ASHES? And she agreed that no, she’d learned nothing, so she offered the baby bear her ball.
I grabbed the dog. Because I actually have a learning curve, and I know damn well that where there’s an adorable baby cub there’s also a bitch of momma bear, and they are always PMSing. Always. So I turn to drag the dog into the house when I see the momma, about fifteen feet behind me, digging through our trash.
I did what Alpha Man always does, I yelled at her, except when he does it she runs. Okay, when he does it, he’s often setting off a fire cracker at her ass to really get her moving, but he’s male. That’s what males do, blow up things and make lots of noise. I just stood there and jumped up and down and waved my hands like an idiot, and in return, she stared me down.
Gulp.
This is where my knees turned to overcooked noodles. Because it’s one thing to walk past a lazy bear sunning on the trail. It’s another entirely to get past a HUNGRY, pissed off PMSing momma bear. So I cursed Alpha Man for being at a basketball game and ran into the house with the dog. I raced up the stairs and onto the deck, where I once again yelled at the bear to get out of our trash.
She said I could come down there and tell her that. I said I would, but I didn’t want to scare her. Because I’m so tough. That’s when I realized I heard a sound behind me. On the deck. I whirled around and found the baby. She wanted to get back to Mountain Barbie and play, and was willing to climb and tree and jump to us.
This is where I just about had heart failure. If he got to us, you can bet that Momma would be right behind him. I tried telling the baby that his momma wanted him. He wasn’t buying it. I promised that baby I’d leave him some really stinky trash if he only WENT BACK TO HIS MOMMA.
He started to cry. He wanted to play, dammit. And then the momma bear gave me one of those I’m going to eat you up for a snack looks. She puffed up and growled at me. And I am not ashamed to admit that that’s when I gave up being brave and trying to save the trash. I dropped my camera, and ran like hell into the house.
And ate a box of cookies.
Posted by Jill @ 4:30 am | Make a Comment
Vicki says:
Oh my gosh! That is too funny! Thanks for the laugh during this morning of tragedy. Watching the news in shock then read your post and got my smile back
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 5:48 amCaroline Storer says:
You ate a box of cookies?! If it had been me I would have eaten the whole house! Here in Wales we don’t get bears. The scariest thing is when the sheep escape and wonder into the house. Caroline x
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 5:51 amMaryAnne says:
I can see the stain on the back of your pants. Your scenery may be gorgeous but you still live in a very dangerous place…stay safe.
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 6:35 amDee (CT) says:
Thank you for the morning laugh…. stay safe and away from the cute bear cubs that want to play…
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 6:41 amteresa c. says:
You didnt say that you changed your pants before you ate the cookies…i sure as heck would have had to…thank god you have good strong legs to run that fast…while you always give us beautiful pics…no thanks on living that near the bears
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 7:58 amSandi in OH says:
You are much braver than I am. I would have stayed in the house and not attempted to scare the bear. I live in OH and we have a black bear (or more than one) roaming our county. I would love to see it, from a distance.
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 7:59 amMarcieR says:
Holy crap.
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 7:59 amHeather L says:
Im pretty sure Id be spending all of my time inside if I lived where you do!
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 8:14 amDeb H says:
paintball gun works wonders… safe and effective in scaring bears.
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 8:37 amStephanie says:
I would’ve eaten the cookies too!
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 8:43 amCrystal M says:
Ya know, this could only happen to you, Jill. You really are Lucille Ball reincarnated, aren’t you? Glad that everyone made it out of the situation safely!! But I’ll admit, a laughed when the cub wanted to play ball. Maybe you should leave one outside for him/her
And….who is Mountain Barbie? Have I missed an announcement about an addition to the family?
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 8:47 amAuntie J says:
Crystal, this is a best-of post, so it’s a couple years old.
Mountain Barbie is their chocolate lab, otherwise called Izzy, who died from kidney failure, I think, several months before the family got Frat Boy.
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 8:53 amMary Jeanne Hoover says:
I hope you never stop blogging & posting on facebook. Your comments always make me laugh out loud!
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 8:54 amJenM says:
Oh, too funny. My parents used to live in the mountains in New Mexico and they had bears every summer. One time I was out walking and came across a man and his 10 YO son feeding toast and jelly to a baby bear. I started yelling at them that it wasn’t safe, and they were like “huh?”. Luckily for them, this baby was an orphan, no mama around, but really, who is so stupid that they let their kid that close to a bear of any size?
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 9:12 amKimberly K says:
I think this is one of my favorite close encounters with bears story. I can totally see mountain barbie wanting to play and ignoring the difference in species/ the very big momma bear. My dogs would run up and try to play with the bear cub as well… sometimes they are just too cute for smarts.
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 9:38 amJackie says:
Hilarious!!!! Love it keep them coming only if your safe. Thanks for the laugh.
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 10:20 amRenee M says:
You are so much braver than me. I would have been cowering behind Mountain Barbie praying she would protect me
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 10:30 amDonna M says:
Ohhhhh, Mountain Barbie. She was special.
I love your bear stories. Just so happy you have stayed safe from your encounters. Keep taking pictures.
Have a great weekend.
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 10:49 amcheryl c. says:
Life is always an adventure at your house.
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 11:14 amCindy Hansil says:
Wow..you are way faster than I would be, because it would have taken me way longer to remember my house was behind me..lol
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 11:32 amJudy F says:
that is one of my favorite stories. Hugs
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 2:43 pmCindy says:
Only you Jill, only you. Thanks for a laugh on this particularly sad day.
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 3:41 pmSunnymay says:
I agree that home should be a place of safety and a bear doesn’t fit into my plans either. Even in Ohio, there have been bear sightings in backyards and that seems to terrorize the neighborhood.
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 4:31 pmaj dean says:
your so brave i would have peed myself and ran away.
Posted on July 20th, 2012 at 6:42 pmFrancesca says:
OMG NOT helping my bear phobia.
Posted on July 21st, 2012 at 12:38 amOr my craving for cookies
janelle knutson says:
thanks for the laughs!!
Posted on July 23rd, 2012 at 12:12 pmDeanna says:
20 points for actually manning up and yelling at Momma Bear, Shalvis. I hear that banging pans together works too, but to be honest, I haven’t had to try that here in big bear. Our bears tend to come out at 2am, and we have motion sensor lights that scare them away.
5 more points for eating cookies to get past the adrenaline rush of sheer terror.
Posted on July 23rd, 2012 at 12:24 pmLauraR says:
This reminds me of the time my mom came out of their house in Tahoe to find a mama & baby bear out front. I’d gotten her one of those compressed air horns to blow if she met a bear. Well, Mom ran and got the horn, blew it and the dang bears went up a pine next to the house. They stayed up there a few hours, which annoyed Mom no end.
Posted on July 24th, 2012 at 9:26 amSue Peace says:
Glad you are safe!!!
Posted on July 30th, 2012 at 9:14 amQueen Urse says:
I think I’m definately somewhere in between- I’m very shy and generally like to stay at home, but I also love to see new places. Last week, my mom and I took a trip up to Kingston for the Canada Day celebrations and the Flight of the Royal George- there were SO many people, but I loved it! I did learn one great travel tip from that particular trip though- to always make sure you have a very set place to stay if you’re going for more then a day trip! I also like to take a pen and notebook, or at least a camera, along with me to take note of new and interesting things I see that I’d like to include in a story or poem.
Posted on August 4th, 2012 at 12:59 pm