July 20, 2012 | Filed under: Stuff
Yes, I have pictures but let me set up the scenario for you, shall I? So I was in the yard out front at dusk, playing ball with Mountain Barbie when suddenly, and brace yourselves because I sure did, a baby bear came bounding up to us, all “hey can I play too?” I went utterly still in shock because for a second, the dog and the bear cub looked so much alike it was startling. And I know that’s what happened with little baby bear too, he thought Mountain Barbie was one of them.
Not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, Mountain Barbie blinked, then shook it off and panted happily, willing to play. I’m like MOUNTAIN BARBIE, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING FROM ASHES? And she agreed that no, she’d learned nothing, so she offered the baby bear her ball.
I grabbed the dog. Because I actually have a learning curve, and I know damn well that where there’s an adorable baby cub there’s also a bitch of momma bear, and they are always PMSing. Always. So I turn to drag the dog into the house when I see the momma, about fifteen feet behind me, digging through our trash.
I did what Alpha Man always does, I yelled at her, except when he does it she runs. Okay, when he does it, he’s often setting off a fire cracker at her ass to really get her moving, but he’s male. That’s what males do, blow up things and make lots of noise. I just stood there and jumped up and down and waved my hands like an idiot, and in return, she stared me down.
This is where my knees turned to overcooked noodles. Because it’s one thing to walk past a lazy bear sunning on the trail. It’s another entirely to get past a HUNGRY, pissed off PMSing momma bear. So I cursed Alpha Man for being at a basketball game and ran into the house with the dog. I raced up the stairs and onto the deck, where I once again yelled at the bear to get out of our trash.
She said I could come down there and tell her that. I said I would, but I didn’t want to scare her. Because I’m so tough. That’s when I realized I heard a sound behind me. On the deck. I whirled around and found the baby. She wanted to get back to Mountain Barbie and play, and was willing to climb and tree and jump to us.
This is where I just about had heart failure. If he got to us, you can bet that Momma would be right behind him. I tried telling the baby that his momma wanted him. He wasn’t buying it. I promised that baby I’d leave him some really stinky trash if he only WENT BACK TO HIS MOMMA.
He started to cry. He wanted to play, dammit. And then the momma bear gave me one of those I’m going to eat you up for a snack looks. She puffed up and growled at me. And I am not ashamed to admit that that’s when I gave up being brave and trying to save the trash. I dropped my camera, and ran like hell into the house.
And ate a box of cookies.