June 29, 2009 | Filed under: Stuff
Hey. I know, another repeat. Please don’t hold it again me, my book is due on Wednesday, I’m missing Mountain Barbie like you wouldn’t believe, and I CAN’T FIND MOTHER’S DOUBLE FUDGE COOKIES. But if it helps, I’m repeating the below story because it actually happened almost word for word again this weekend:
This is probably one of those stories I shouldn’t share with you because I know I’m going to get emails asking if I really did this, and yes. I really did this. The other day I was driving along minding my own business, singing loudly and off key to Leona Lewis’s latest. I was pretty much yelling “bleeding love, BLEEDING LOVE” at the top of my lungs when it happened.
I caught a glimpse of movement on the dash. Creepy crawly movement. Yeah. Coming right at me toward the steering wheel was a huge spider.
Now let me just back for those of you who are new. I have a spider phobia. Not a little oh darn, a spider, or even oh SCREAM, a spider, but a knee-knocking, bowel quivering, mind-bending phobia. I completely and utter lose it, become totally irrational. I can’t even LOOK at a picture of a spider without wanting to crawl into a little ball. I can’t kill them, I can’t do anything but hope to God that someone else is nearby to take care of it. And yes, I realize I need to get this fixed but it’s going to have to stand in line behind my other problems.
Back to the thing crawling at me while I’m driving. It’s truly a miracle I didn’t crash, and can you just imagine THAT police report. Driver distracted by spider, drives into tree.
Not pretty. So I did the sensible thing. I jerked the car to a stop and hopped out of it. Yeah, in the middle of the road. And yeah, I realize how stupid that is, you do not need to tell me. Did I start this by saying this was a good smart story? No, I did not. Sweating bullets, in tears, standing in the middle of the residential and thankfully empty street, I whipped out my phone and called Alpha Man. “T-there’s a BIG s-spider in my c-car!”
Well aware of my little problem, he immediately said “pull over”.
“I’m over! I’m standing in the middle of the road and I need you to come get me.”
Now I should tell you I am not exactly proud of how helpless I felt and was. I swear, 99% of the time I’m a modern woman who can fend for myself, but this was a SPIDER, people. A big, fat, hairy spider.
“Jill,” he said calmly. (Which at the time I so DID NOT appreciate). “I’m a half hour away. Just get back in the car, drive it home. Get the shop-vac out of the garage and suck the sucker right into it. You’ll be fine.”
Oh boy. You have no idea how difficult that all sounded. My knees were quivering but somehow, I got back into the car. I even drove home (only 3 blocks), even though I think I had my eyes half closed so I wouldn’t look at the HUGE SPIDER standing on my dash staring me down. By the time I pulled into the driveway as if my own ass was on fire, I had sweat pouring down my back. I ran out of the car and into the garage, making deals with God the whole way. “Please let the spider stay where I can get him, please don’t let him vanish in my car or I’ll never drive it again . . .”
I found the Shop-vac, yanked it down the driveway toward my car and turned it on.
No go.
The cord wasn’t long enough and it had pulled out of the socket in the garage. I ran back to the garage, searched out the extension cord and flipped it on again. Dust flew out of the thing and all over me. Spitting it out, I whirled to the car, heart in my throat . . . the badass spider was still on my dash but he was on the move, quickly heading toward the radio where I would never find him. Cringing, and yeah, okay I might have been saying “ohmigod, Ohmigod, Ohmigod” like a mantra, but hey, this was my first spider kill, I reached in close . . . and vacuumed the sucker up.
It happened so fast and so easily, I immediately went silent and still, staring at the vacuum. What the hell? I’d sweated buckets and used up every ounce of energy and it’d been THAT easy? Seriously? I felt so stupid that I went inside and rejuvenated with a box of cookies.
So here’s the question of the day. Is there anything that you thought you could never, ever, ever, EVER do? And did you? Did you have to recover with a box of cookies and a nap? Talk to me …
Posted by Jill @ 1:00 am | Make a Comment
Stacy ~ says:
Ah, if only all problems were solved so quickly and efficiently…
I guess speaking in front of groups of people. It’s one of my fears, but occasionally part of my job. It never seems to get easier, but I’ve managed. I’m sick to my stomach til it’s over, and can’t eat until then either. Then I scarf down something sugary and totally bad for me, but hey, I deserve it LOL.
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 3:37 amDiane W says:
Thank God I am not alone in my reaction to spiders
I see them and sweat, shake, cry, and want to vomit. I have had them in my car before and have called family members to come help, but was told to buck up and handle it myself. I had to talk myself into getting back in the car over a peroid of 10 min. I just could not make myself get in the car so hats off to you for getting home by yourself!! I have taken to carrying a can of bug spray in the car during the summer just in case.
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 3:58 amLiza says:
I don’t like speaking in front of groups of people either, but spiders are my biggest fear. I actually had one crawling on me the other day. I was on my laptop and caught something moving and looked down and almost died. I started screaming and hitting at my shirt. I couldn’t find a body, but I’m pretty sure I got it. Luckily, they sprayed our apartments within a day or two. I still call monthly to get them to come spray for spiders.
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 4:07 amJudy F says:
you are brave Jill.
I don’t like large crowds at all. I have come to deal with it but I still don’t like them.
I picked up Double Play on Saturday at Borders
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 4:21 amBooklover1335 says:
Hi Jill!
I totally feel you on the spider thing. I hate finding them in my bed, especially when I am in it. However I have no trouble killing them…as I chant DIE DIE DIE. Normally I am a very compassionate person, but not when it comes to spiders.
My own phobia is snakes. Can’t watch or even look at a magazine ad with one on it without being paralyzed with fear. It goes bone deep, and frankly I have no desire to seek help to get over this particular fear, because that would mean I have to confront one, AND THAT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 4:37 amtennismom mary g says:
I never thought I would ever want to have a baby & for sure I was NEVER going to get on a plane. The baby thing took care of itself when the “I want to have a baby” thing kicked in finally in my early thirties. My hubby wasn’t surprised because his nieces & the neighborhood kids liked me(he could have given me a heads up-then I wouldn’t have felt like I was going crazy). A few years later my boss told me I had to fly to our head office in Kansas(I lived in Toronto, Canada)for training. I burst into tears in his office. He looked shellshocked. My coworker who was going too said that if it was my turn to go it didn’t matter if I was on a bus or a train. It was that simple. The plane rides were amazing but I still want to win the second prize not the trip when I enter contests. I’m just a late bloomer. My life is complete – anything else is a bonus. In the middle If Instant Grat. & soooo loving it.
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 4:41 amMelissa says:
I once kicked out the windshield of my dad’s truck trying to escape from…a MOTH! Yeah. For me, it’s all bugs, not just spiders although spiders have the same effect on me that they do on you. That whole scenario works until the little sucker jumps from the dash onto you while you’re driving. Congrats on making it home alive and I loved re-reading it.
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 7:26 amNicole says:
I’m the exact same way when it comes to spiders! Not just spiders, actually, any bug. I freeze up when I see a spider, a ladybug, hell, even an ant. And I *can’t* kill them. Fortunately for me, my cat LOVES bugs, so usually if I see a bug, I’ll chase my cat down, pick him up, and set him down right in front of the bug. Then I’ll sit there and watch as he plays with the bug for about fifteen minutes before he decides to eat it. I can’t just walk away. I have to make sure he actually kills it first and make sure the bug doesn’t sneakily get away. Yay for bug killing cats!
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 7:38 amsls-rainey says:
I hate spiders too. I was bitten by a poisonous one and have a scar on my arm. (thankfully not very poisonous) Now I stand far away and use anything that will keep me away from them, to squish and run. After I’m done freaking out I come back to be sure they are dead.
The worst for me is Claustraphobia (spelling?).
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 7:51 amapril says:
I still tell this story. I thought of you as well because my sister-in-law and I were held hostage by a spider outside of her car the other day. Then, she forgot it was out there and opened the window to exit the parking garage and we both screamed.
I’m actually like this with any kind of bug. This may be my least favorite part of being a parent. There was a teeny bug on Little Miss and I had to pluck it off of her. *sigh* She better appreciate this.
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 8:00 amDonna M says:
Where is Mountain Barbie, why do you miss her? I’ve been gone, what did I miss?
Spiders don’t bother me but I do not care for snakes! If I know it is harmless I’m okay but if I suspect it is a rattler I don’t want to be anywhere near that place!!
Hopefully Border’s will have Instant Gratification tomorrow when I go there. I’ll let you know.
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 10:54 amD says:
You’re braver than me. Mine fear is of heights. Anything more than a couple of feet off the ground and I get vertigo. As a kid I loved climbing trees and hanging upside down from jungle gyms. However, being the only girl my brothers and their friends thought it was fun to hang by my ankles from the roof of the house and drop me into the bushes below. I can’t even get on the step ladder to change light bulbs without breaking into a sweat. Trust me not only do I need cookies and need several shots of liquor. I hate being a wimp…however I like my feet firmly planted on the ground even more.
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 11:44 amBrandy says:
Palmetto bugs. Ugh, my skin crawls just thinking of them. I was SO glad when we moved away from MS, where they are plentiful. Bleh! I had one get in our house and was flying around and I screamed so loud our neighbor ran over to see who was attacking me! Luckily he took care of the bug for me. *G* But, I am so thankful there aren’t any where we live now.
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 11:57 amAngie G. says:
I’ve had a very similar spider experience!!! A few years ago I was driving along and the sun was in my eyes so I flipped the visor down and a huge, black, ugly SPIDER fell down in my lap. There was much screaming and freaking out until I was able to smack it off me onto the floorboard. I tried to step on it, but was not successful as I was still driving and couldn’t see it.
Fortunately I was able to pull over on the side of the road, but then I was stuck inside! My truck had automatic locks that would not open unless I turned it off and removed the key or I could manually unlock everything. The “stress” of the spider made me forget how to open the doors! I finally did remember how to do it, but then I was trapped by the seat belt! And the spider was still down by my feet.
I finally got out and was able to smash it with something. I can’t remember what I used, maybe my shoe. I just know that it was dead! The spider was probably the size of the quarter (I swear it was), but every time I told the story it grew bigger and bigger. I think it was the size of a dinner plate in the end!
I’m hoping to get Instant Gratification tomorrow. I can’t wait to read it. Fingers crossed that you get the book done soon so you can celebrate with lots of cookies!
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 3:24 pmDeb says:
One time I was in the shower and there was the biggest spider I had ever seen. I screamed, jumped out of the shower, grabbed my glasses and smashed the crap out of….a little clump of my own hair.
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 4:30 pmDeb says:
Also, when we lived in Seattle, we had a huge kind of spider called The Aggressive House Spider. Those suckers were as big as the palm of my hand, and would rear up on their legs and advance on you. Talk about scary. Sorry. Don’t think about it too much.
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 4:33 pmtrish c says:
My mom used to kill wasps that got into the house with her bare hand because she was so afraid one of her six kids would get stung.
She only got stung herself once with this method. Pretty good if you ask me.
When my kids were small I found myself doing the same thing. The only thing I was missing was a cape. Super Mom kills wasps with her bare hands!!! LOL
Posted on June 29th, 2009 at 9:49 pm