February 10, 2009 | Filed under: Stuff
I have been a bit stressed. Stressed and anxious and generally a bit of a prize to live with. Except not. So the other day after everyone left for work/school, the dog convinced me to go out for a long walk in the woods. Sounds peaceful, right? Yeah, keep reading.
We were about a mile into it, on a secluded, isolated trail on over 75,000 acres of protected forest land when Ashes did it. Growled really low in her throat. Sort of like “hey mom, there’s something really scary in the woods, so scary I’m not going to even growl for real so we don’t draw attention to ourselves.”
Crap. The hair on the back of my neck stood straight up. Last time she did that, it was a bear, a big bastard of a bear that we nicknamed VW because, well because his ass was the size a VW.
Not two seconds later, a coyote crossed the trail right in front of me. When he saw us, he went still as a deer and turning just his head, met my eyes. And I swear, he smiled with complete evil intent as he showed me his wicked teeth.
Ashes, unable to take the temptation, went off after the coyote, and they disappeared off the trail and into the bush.
And then utter and complete silence.
I mean I could hear the blood rushing through my veins, it was that quiet. But how could a coyote and dog VANISH? I called for her. Hell, who am I kidding, I SCREAMED for her, and nothing.
So I did the sensible thing. I ran. Ran like hell while dialing Alpha Man on my speed dial. “There’s . . .” pant, pant “a coyote, and Ashes—“ pant pant “took off” pant, pant “And I think the coyote ate her—“
“What? You’re breaking up!”
Yes, yes, I was. Oh and thanks Cingular, the cellular service company who promises fewer dropped calls, for DROPPING THAT CALL.
Sigh.
Anyway, I had taken no more than five steps when all of a sudden Ashes burst out of the woods in front of me, ears flapping, running like hell was on her heels. As she did, the most spine tingling cry sounded, echoed all around us, as what sounded like not one, but a HUNDRED coyotes began their war cry.
They’d multipled.
Can you say HOLY SHIT? I have to tell you, I’m slow, I’m lazy, and not that fond of burning calories, but I think I broke the speed of light racing down that trail towards home. I even beat the dog, lol. As we ran into the garage and collapsed, Alpha Man pulled into the driveway. Jumping out of his truck, he caught sight of me and stopped in clear relief. “Do me one favor. Next time you don’t get eaten by a coyote, CALL ME BACK.”
As you can see, Mountain Barbie was very concerned.
Posted by Jill @ 7:32 am | Make a Comment
kristen says:
Oh noes.
Thanks for the giggle. I need it this morning.
Glad you both are safe.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 7:52 amAshley says:
Oh wow, I’m in such bad shape I would have been a coyote snack. But I definately would have blew a lung trying to get away!! Glad you’re all safe. MB was a smart girl to not tag along, lol.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 8:07 amHélène says:
Jill ‘Bionic’ woman hehe. Glad both you and Ashes made it back safe, and did not end up as Wile E. Coyote snacks.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 8:32 amtrish c says:
You shouldn’t write these life threatening hikes in such a funny way. I laughed my ass off. :rotfl: Love love love that Alpha Man rushed home to save you!!!! sigh
Love that you saved yourself. Great story! Glad I didn’t have to live it.
Now would you please be more careful. We all wouldn’t know what to do w/o you.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 8:41 amAmy says:
Maybe you should consider a treadmill. Indoors.
OMG. Sooo glad you didn’t get eaten by a pack of coyotes.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 8:42 amAnna says:
So very glad you’re okay!
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 8:49 amVictoria says:
Oh man was that a great story. If I wasn’t at work I’d be rotfl! :rotfl: Thanks for the laugh!
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 9:05 amVictoria says:
Oh, by the way, I finished Instant Attraction last night. Can you say amazing?!
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 9:06 amsls-rainey says:
Jill if you get eaten you CAN’T write! This is a big concern! Start carrying pepper spray or something.
I mean come on, Ashes can’t guard you against that many critters at once. The body guard in training MB seems to be taking a while to catch on to the job.
Maybe Sadie…..um no coyote bite sized. Well becareful if you get eaten we’ll miss your writing…OH and YOU of course. :rotfl:
Sorry couldn’t resist.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 9:27 amAsthmagirl says:
How can you write something scary and funny at the same time?
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 10:02 amTreasia/TruckersWife says:
Very relieved to hear you are alright. I believe I would start staying much closer to home for my walks if I were you.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 10:21 amjean says:
See? This is why I love Mountain Barbie.
Now, as for you, I am so happy that you didn’t get eaten alive and even happier you manage to make it out of the woods.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 10:29 amSonyaM says:
Holy Smokes! Scared the pee out of me while I was laughing — glad every one is okay.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 10:44 amJulieLeto says:
Jill, honey…I’m just wondering when you’re going to learn to take a GUN with you on your hikes!!!
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 10:57 amcheryl c. says:
OMG, Jill!
I would not be able to walk through the woods ever again! I know you don’t want to give it up, so do you carry any sort of weapon with you? With bears and coyotes around, you need a stun gun or something.
It was so sweet that Alpha Man rushed home! I hope you gave him a big hug. :love:
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 11:33 amAng says:
So how long was Alpha Man annoyed? How many bags of cookies did it take to recover? I join with the others in saying, DO NOT BECOME coyote, bear, or any other large man eating amimal food.
Maybe it’s time to hike with a HUMAN partner..say…Luke Wilson… :rotfl:
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 11:34 amRobin says:
OMG, I would never even venture out, knowing there were coyotes and bears out there. I’m so glad you and Mountain Barbie made it out in one piece! lol And I’m thinking a tranquilizer gun might be good to carry.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 11:46 amRobin says:
Ashes. I meant to say you and Ashes.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 11:48 amDonna M says:
First of all, I am very glad you & Ashes are okay. :yes: Second, despite the danger you made me laugh! Don’t give up your walks in the woods just be careful, please. I would miss your books & your blog. How would we ever find out how Alpha Man, Oldest, Middle & Youngest are doing. Your stories are one of the highlights in my day. Thanks!
Is Alpha Man’s heart okay after that incident? 
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 11:56 amLiza says:
I’m so glad you and Ashes are both safe! Thanks for the laugh! :rotfl: :rotfl:
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 12:15 pmKarin says:
:rotfl:
Oh my goodness, Jill, I couldn’t stop laughing even though I was terrified for you. I’m glad you and Ashes made it back okay. Of course, I couldn’t stop the happy sigh that Alpha Man rushed home to rescue you…only to find you’d rescued yourself (with some help from Ashes). That’s just so sweet!
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 12:36 pmMelissa says:
This may end a bit long, bear with me.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 1:27 pmCoyotes are VERY sneaky. There are some friends of my sister’s who have told us stories of how the coyotes behave to deliberately lure their dogs away so the rest of the pack can attack them. One will act like it wants to play or act hurt then lead the dog away.
I’m so glad you’re okay. So, when are you going to start packing heat? I think Alpha Man needs to take you to the shooting range, then get you some ‘ordinance’.
Melissa says:
p.s. good for a.m. for coming to your rescue!
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 1:27 pmMelinda says:
I’m glad you didn’t get eaten and could tell us the tale. : )
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 1:35 pmDee says:
It’s wonderful that you want to take long walks in the woods and get exercise. However, that sort of stress you don’t need. I have two thoughts. One, buy a piece of exercise equipment you can use indoors. Alternatively, if you must walk, take a snub-nosed .38 pistol in a discreet shoulder holster. Take some practice shots before you venture out with it. I wish you lived closer, so I could get my brother the expert marksman to teach you to shoot…
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 2:14 pmBrandy says:
Wow! Ashes is either brave or giving Mountain Barbie a run for silliness! Glad y’all are ok.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 2:16 pmJudy F says:
good Lord Jill. stay inside…
Glad you are both ok…
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 2:30 pmOkie Sister says:
Call me back?
Are you kidding me. How about, “Are you okay?”
Well, at least he rushed home.
You should carry mace with you, just in case.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 4:16 pmlimecello says:
>.< Also – so glad you and Ashes made it out ok! Gah.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 6:35 pmPatty says:
Oh my goodness, this sounds like a chapter in a novel. Only the guy should show up with a rifle, shoot the coyote and save the girl..
Whew…glad your ok.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 7:22 pmcatslady says:
At first I’m thinking, ok one coyote is sure better than a bear, until I heard the rest of the story!!! I don’t know how you are brave enough to walk in those woods!!!!! Hey, maybe if my husband thought I was going to get eaten once in a while, he would appreciate me more lol.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 8:27 pmDiane W says:
We have coyotes in my area and I have been told that they are a shy animal, leave humans alone, and many dogs chase them off their property without incident. I now feel I have been fed a line of bull! I mean, what the heck!?! But just like you, no coyote messes with my dog and lives to tell the tale! I would have gone after Ashes myself.
As for Alpha Man…will he be my Valentine?
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 9:11 pmtrish says:
Holy crap.
Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 9:11 pmPat L. says:
Glad everyone is ok. You do have some adventures both funny and scary.
Posted on February 11th, 2009 at 4:59 am