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November 10, 2008 | Filed under: Stuff
If this entry isn’t all about the Kings game we went to last night, then I got back in the wees hours thanks to the three hour drive through the snowstorm and I’m too lazy and exhausted to upload the pics. That, or I had too many hot dogs and I have a gut-ache.
It’s probably that.
In any case, I hope it was a good game . . .
ANYWAY, with three, count ‘em, THREE beautiful annoying teenage daughters in our midst — and way too many boys sniffing around — Alpha Man has decided that these rules cannot be repeated too many times. They are his life lines:
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early.”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflauged face at the window is mine.
Posted by Jill @ 1:00 am | Make a Comment
Sarita says:
Way to go, Alpha Man!
I especially love number three. :yes:
Hope you feel better soon!
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 4:01 amAideen says:
This morning I’m very happy to be a 32 year old female living in a country that requires gills for breathing. Because anything has got to be better than being a teenage boy living in your neck of the woods, anything!
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 4:22 amList makes me curious though as to how my own husband will come up with his rules, we’re living with four very active and fun loving boys. I guess we’re in for a lot of fun. Right???
The whole mention of five acres has the scene from Fargo playing in my mind, you know, the one with the wood chipper…
Pat L. says:
This is so awesome. I just love it all.
Feel better, Jill.
Did Alpha Man actually make this all up? If so, he can give you a run for your money on funny blogs. LOL.
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 5:12 amCheryl M. says:
LOL! I’m printing this off for my husband to memorize, we have 2 girls…they’re not quite ready to date yet at 8 and 6, but the day will come and he wants to be ready!
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 5:15 amsls-rainey says:
Alpha Man should paint these on a big piece of plywood (or something nicer) and post them at the end of your driveway. No worries then because most of them won’t even pull in. :rotfl:
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 6:13 amElen says:
Online with Tech Baby this morning, I’m reading your blog.
I said, “You have to pop over to the Jill Shalvis site and read Alpha Man’s rules for dating his daughters.”
Tech Baby said, “omg lol that’s brilliant”
I said, “Totally.”
Tech Baby said, “i heart rule 3″ and “and eight”
I said, “Totally.”
Note: Elen needs caffeine to get beyond the word “totally.”
LOLZ, Jill. Best. Post. Ever.
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 6:22 amElen says:
p.s. Feel better!
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 6:22 amSarah says:
LOL — I would pass these on to DH, but he might hyperventilate. We’re in denial about the whole “teenage years” thing — maybe it won’t happen to us, and our girls will stay 7 forever.
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 7:26 amnaomi says:
OMG! This was the best post ever and the perfect thing to help me forget that today is my first day of unemployment. (lay-offs suck). Thank you Jill and Alpha Man!
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 7:32 amAshley says:
:rotfl:
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 7:57 amFeel better soon Jill
Stacy ~ says:
I can so picture Alpha Man saying this.
Naomi, sorry about your being laid off. I hope another (better) job comes along soon.
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 8:03 amAmy says:
:rotfl:
Is it bad that I absolutely ADORE Alpha Man?
I had a teacher in high school who used to say that when his daughter started dating his plan for “meeting” the boy included sitting in his chair, just staring at him in silence. Then as they were walking out the door, he’d whisper, “I have a gun and a shovel. Think about it.”
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 8:05 amJill says:
For those of you who have mentioned losing their jobs, my heart goes out to you! I know the feeling, Alpha Man’s work had dried up as well. Scary times!
I know I haven’t been able to reply as much as I like to lately — deadlines! — but I read each comment religiously. Does that count? I think it should count. :yes:
Anyway, hugs to those of you going through hard times!
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 8:13 amJackieToo says:
How about a vet who uses a castrating knife as a door knocker when his daughters start dating?
I read that somewhere. Was it one of your books? 
My nephew is a hunter and has already told his daughter (she’s ten) that he’s gonna be cleaning his guns when her dates (after she turns 30
) come to pick her up. I don’t think he’s kidding. 
You know why fathers have such a problem with this? They were once teenage boys themselves! :rotfl:
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 8:14 amMelissa's Cozy Teacup says:
This is such a funny post. Thanks for the laugh. Along the job line, Tech hubby wants me to get a job. In an economy with a 14 year high in unemployment. Please, God, let me sell a dang book!
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 8:15 amCryna says:
I am still laughing at this blog post…….Jill it is really good and just the best for a Monday morning. Hope that you start to feel better soon.
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 8:51 amcheryl c. says:
Oh,my! These had me nearly on the floor with laughter. I am glad that I was alone while I was reading them! :rotfl:
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 10:13 amAmanda says:
hehehe… i’m taking this into work tomorrow!
The best rules have to be 3, 4 and 9.
Go Alpha man!
Hope your feeling better soon Jill.
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 10:38 amDee says:
A few years ago somebody sent this to me in an email, and I thought it was hysterical. I also sent it to several people who have daughters. Now I have a daughter. She hasn’t started dating yet, but when she does I intend to edit this a little, frame it, and mount it just inside my front door. I will require any boy picking up my daughter to read it, aloud, before he can even see her. I will sit nearby, cleaning my .38 and whistling the theme from Deliverance. I am not joking.
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 10:43 amStephanee says:
No. 4 :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 10:53 amVictoria says:
I love the threats of violence. If I was a teenage boy, I’d be gone by the time I read number 3. It’s good that he cares so much. My dad wasn’t much for that stuff. I’m sure if anyone had ever hurt me, he’d be hunting him down with a gun though! Thanks for the laughs!
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 10:58 amLiza says:
Alpha Man and my brother in law would get along fine. My BIL is a cop and meets all dates for his daughters in full uniform(there are 3, but only 2 teens).
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 11:28 amjeanne says:
It’s too bad he can’t really use all those rules (sigh). My husband thought he was going to be the big tough guy too but in his case he turned into a puddle when his daughters picked their guys lol. Of course he did mention he was a Nam veteran and a sharp shooter roflmao. In a way it really helps for them to go out with a few jerks because then they realize when the nice ones come along.
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 12:05 pmDonna M says:
I think I’m just a little bit in love with Alpha Man! Fathers should protect their daughters! My son-in-law says his daughter (my only granddaughter, now 10) will not start dating until she is 40!! Poor thing!! Actually it should be interesting in a few years when she reaches that stage. My daughter was 15 when they started dating. They have now been married 20 years!
Rule #6 is priceless, I love it!!
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 12:18 pmSusan says:
Alpha Man is going to still have his hands full! :yes:
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 12:21 pmlimecello says:
lol I love rules 4,6, and 9
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 12:53 pmKarin says:
I love the rules!
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 1:21 pmLisa Freeman says:
Reminds me of that song, “Cleaning This Gun” by Rodney Atkins. Here are the lyrics:
The declaration of independence
Think I can tell you that first sentence
But then I’m lost
I can’t begin to count the theories
I’ve had pounded in my head that I forgot
I don’t remember all that Spanish
Or the Gettysburg address
But there is one speech from high school
I’ll never forgot
Chorus:
Come on in boy, sit on down
And tell me ’bout yourself
So you like my daughter, do you now
Yeah we think she’s something else
She’s her daddy’s girl her mama’s world
She deserves respect, that’s what she’ll get, ain’t it son
Now y’all run along and have some fun
I’ll see you when you get back
Bet I’ll be up all night
Still cleaning this gun
Well now that I’m a father
I’m scared to death one day my daughter’s gonna find
That teenage boy I used to be
Who seems to have just one thing on his mind
She’s growing up so fast it won’t be long
‘fore I’ll have to put the fear of God
Into some kid at the door
Come on in boy, sit on down
And tell me ’bout yourself
So you like my daughter, do you now
Yeah we think she’s something else
She’s her daddy’s girl, her momma’s world
She deserves respect, thats what she’ll get
Ain’t it son, ya’ll run on and have some fun
I’ll see you when you get back
Probably be up all night
Still cleaning this gun
It’s all for show, ain’t nobody gonna get hurt
it’s just a daddy thing, hey believe me man, it works
Now Come on in boy, sit on down
And tell me ’bout yourself
So you like my daughter, do you now
Yeah we think she’s something else
She’s her daddy’s girl, her momma’s world
She deserves respect, thats what she’ll get
Ain’t it son, ya’ll run on and have a little fun
I’ll see you when you get back
Probably be up all night
Still cleaning this gun
Ha ha
now son now yall buckle up and have her back by 10
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 2:23 pmno lets say 9..30
drive safe
Brandy says:
I was snickering while reading these and will show them to the Hubs later. My 13 year old Daughter looks up at me and asks “what?” *G*
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 3:01 pmFannie says:
My daughter and her hubby are expecting their 1st girl any day (due Wed) and he made me print these rules for him. They have 4 boys so you can bet her life will be miserable when she reaches dating age. Her Daddy is a 6ft3in Marine Corp Officer and 3 of her brothers are studying Tae Kwan Do, see what I mean? Have a great evening and hugs to all.
Posted on November 10th, 2008 at 8:53 pmMr C. says:
Yep those are funny rules.. I’ve seen them a number of times. Not sure of the original author of that form but they seem loosely based on the work of W Bruce Cameron and his book “Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter”
and frankly, I like rule 9 the best..
Posted on November 11th, 2008 at 2:37 pmMr C. says:
Ah here’s the original for those that are interested
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/columns/8rules.htm
Posted on November 11th, 2008 at 2:39 pmJL says:
My hubby saw those rules somewhere, and thought they were fantastic…until he heard a single fatherly statement that pretty well covered everything:
“Remember, whatever you do to *her*, *I* will do to *you*.”
Posted on November 14th, 2008 at 8:35 amJessica says:
there’s a silly candy commercial (with candies shaped as bears) here where I’m from, that goes “ooh bear, scary…”
I think its “ooh daddy, scary” :rotfl:
Posted on November 16th, 2008 at 8:16 am