August 4, 2008 | Filed under: Stuff
Coming home from San Francisco, I got stuck on the runway behind a long line of planes. The pilot came on and said we were number twenty seven and it should move quickly.
He lied.
For a full hour, I was stuck with no air on a plane that was a million degrees between a man who was six foot four and a former linebacker, and a older woman wearing a very itchy wool sweater. I tried to shrink in on myself but I’d eaten like a PIG for five days (thank you my lovely editors) and there was no shrinking to be had. My left arm was getting itchy from the wool and my right arm was twisted in front of me because frankly, Mr. Linebacker was scary. He didn’t speak, just sort of grunted and shot everyone dirty looks, and more intimidating, he was the window seat and yet he was leaning forward, blocking the view. Feeling claustrophobic, I leaned back.
Then so did he.
I swear he was just messing with me and you know what? It was working. I pulled out my phone to text Alpha Man the following: IF I DON’T MAKE IT HOME IT’S BECAUSE I’VE BEEN TAKEN TO THE LOONEY BIN FOR LOSING IT COMPLETELY ON THIS PLANE.
But before I could send it, the stewardess flew of her seat and pointed accusingly at my phone. “Ma’am, you can’t text on a plane!”
I looked out the window. Alcatraz was actually looking welcoming . . .
The point was, WE WERE STILL ON THE GROUND. I looked at the VERY cute guy on the other side of the aisle, working his iPhone like his thumbs were on fire. He was texting. He didn’t have anyone on either side of him either. Some people have all the luck. “We’re not off the ground yet,” I protested.
“You can’t text on the runway.” She said this in the tone of You Are A Pain In My Ass.
Again, I looked at VERY cute guy, who was now simultaneously checking his email and surfing the internet. Dammit, he was on TMZ, one of my favorite procrastination sites. I wanted to be on TMZ!
“Ma’am!”
Jeez. I turned off my phone. Pouted for a little bit, which got me no peanuts, I can tell you that. And I was so squished. And itchy. And afraid of Linebacker dude, who was now snoring in my ear, and possibly drooling on my shoulder. I looked over the aisle. VERY cute guy was now sprawled across all three seats, still on his damn phone. You know what? VERY cute guy? You suck. I sent him that message telepathically, and I swear he looked over at me and smirked.
SMIRKED.
And then it happened. The kid behind him leapt upright, said “uh oh” while his face turned a fascinating shade of green. And then he blew. That’s right, he blew chunks EVERYWHERE, but mostly on VERY cute guy.
The moral of this story? If you’re VERY cute and you have a brand new iPhone and you smirk at the less fortunate, like people squished into their seats close to meltdowns . . . watch out. Some little kid is just waiting to even up the score.
Posted by Jill @ 1:00 am | Make a Comment
Judy F says:
OMG. Poor JIll. I hope you are safe at home in the loving care of your family
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 2:52 amElizabeth K says:
LOL!!!!!!!! I am sorry about linebacker dude and wooly woman, but the vomiting iphone incident is classic! That’s just what I needed this morning!
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 3:53 amPat L. says:
This would be good opening for a book.
You are too funny - I would be very disappointed if you didnt have a funny story to tell us.
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 4:17 amCheryl S. says:
Loved it! And I hope YOU smirked at VERY cute guy following that incident.
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 4:44 amAng says:
That is too funny..guess VERY cute guy was not smirking after that…but I’ll be you were.
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 5:04 amCindy in VA says:
OH MY GOSH!! That’s awesome!
What goes around comes around 
I hope you gave him a nice smirk back LOL!
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 5:05 amDee says:
Too funny! Yes, air travel is hell. I hate it.
When I traveled on one of my adoption trips to Russia, I had to spend 9 hours behind two couples who had brought their own booze and proceeded to get really drunk. Then the drunk in front of me put his seat back and passed out, practically in my lap, and snored the next 7 hours. Then there was the time I was squished into a window seat behind an old Russian man with the worst BO ever - for 9.5 hours. Oh, and the time I was forced to sit next to two teenagers who wouldn’t shut up, for about 5 hours.
International travel is just so much fun…
Dee
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 5:57 amLiza says:
Thanks for the laugh first thing this morning Jill! Sounds like really cute guy got what was coming to him…
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 6:02 amCheryl M. says:
Thanks for sharing Jill!
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 6:02 amAs the mother of a kid who has thrown up on a stranger, it’s good to know that maybe that stranger deserved to be barfed on……. I will release all my guilty feelings about that incident now, lol.
Mental P Mama says:
Karma’s a b*tch. I got yelled at for texting on a plane this weekend, too. Do you feel better now? And we were pulled over waiting for New York to clear up. In North Carolina. I think I lost 25 pounds sweating. Welcome home
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 6:07 amAshley says:
Sorry your flight home was so horrible, but at least karma was on your side this go round!!!! I would have loved to have seen VERY cute guys face when the chunks landed on him!!! :smirking:
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 6:39 amPatty L. says:
You always have the most hilarious travels. Sorry about linebacker dude and scratchy sweather lady. Glad you made it home safe and sound.
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 6:41 amSonya says:
THAT is awesome! And very satisfying for you I’m sure. Glad you made it home okay.
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 7:13 amJill says:
Yes, for those who have emailed, I swear this story is true.
It was actually comforting to know that what goes around just might come around and bite you on the tush. Oh, and that VERY cute guys are more susceptible to karma than than the rest of us.
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 7:53 amJill says:
Oh! And thank you karma for repaying me for the horrendous flight by having my bag be the first one off the luggage line. That worked for me.
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 7:54 amCryna says:
So glad that cute guy got his dues. Glad that you are home safe and sound now with the family, and that you had a good time at the conference, just sorry your flight was not good.
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 8:01 ammary beth says:
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 8:30 amSorry about the squished scary part, but this was sooooo funny.
Darlene says:
Love the Karma!!
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 8:37 amSuzanne says:
Ew! I bet that smelled awful on a plane with no a/c!!
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 8:54 amKarin says:
Very cute guy got what he deserved. See me, I might’ve just pointed out Very cute guy to the annoying flight attendant and said, “What about him?” Yeah, if I was getting itchy thanks to wooly woman, especially since I’m allergic, I would’ve been just cranky enough to be that mean…though usually people say that’s impossible for me and laugh at me when I attempt any meanness.
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 9:00 amHolly says:
That has got to be THE best Karma story evah! Ever!
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 11:23 amKaren Erickson says:
Well that sounds like a nightmare for everyone involved.
So glad to have seen you! I am a serious fan girl. I love me some Jill Shalvis.
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 11:42 amElen says:
Verra funny story. BTW, Superb and Sexy was a delightful read. I have to backtrack now and read the first two. Such a hardship.
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 11:57 amDonna M says:
No one can tell a story like you! You took something so not fun & made me laugh! Thanks! I’ve been pretty fortunate when I have flown to have decent seat mates or none! One time I did get stuck next to a lady with a nasty cold that sucked hard candy the whole trip! That was fun! Like you I have been stuck on the runway with no air, not fun! I only mention it because I sympathize with that experience. I’m so glad you are home safely with daughters, Alpha Man and the four legged friends. There is no place like home!
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 1:04 pmSusan says:
How much did you tip the youngster when you disembarked?
I love that story! 
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 1:14 pmBrandy says:
I know you were uncomfortable, but that was hilarious! Glad you arrived home safely!
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 1:24 pmDiana says:
Jill, that is too funny. Lesson of your story: don’t mess with karma!
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 1:45 pmLis says:
lol Ahh cute guys should never mess with karma!!!
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 3:03 pmkim h says:
love flashback. so good a nd hot
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 6:37 pmjeanne says:
My favorite line from The Mummy is when the librarian tells that annoying little guy that he’ll get his comeuppance
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 6:45 pmlimecello says:
Ew ew ew. I HATE getting stuck on planes. The last time I flew I was stuck waiting on a plane for an hour [after delays] - and then they made us all get off, wait another hour or so, then get back on the plane to wait. Yay.
Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 9:40 pmAlso, I bow to your superior telepathic powers that cause little children to vomit on cute guys, Jill
ArkansasCyndi says:
And they say God doesn’t have a sense of humor!
Posted on August 5th, 2008 at 5:49 pmsarah says:
LOL — that surprised me!!
Posted on August 6th, 2008 at 5:49 amRarely does Karma “fix it while you wait.”
Kate Hardy says:
Jill, that’s real poetic justice
Posted on August 11th, 2008 at 11:47 pm