July 14, 2008 | Filed under: Stuff
This is probably one of those stories I shouldn’t share with you because I know I’m going to get emails asking if I really did this, and yes. I really did this. The other day I was driving along minding my own business, singing loudly and off key to Leona Lewis’s latest. I was pretty much yelling “bleeding love, BLEEDING LOVE” at the top of my lungs when it happened.
I caught a glimpse of movement on the dash. Creepy crawly movement. Yeah. Coming right at me toward the steering wheel was a huge spider.
Now let me just back for those of you who are new. I have a spider phobia. Not a little oh darn, a spider, or even oh SCREAM, a spider, but a knee-knocking, bowel quivering, mind-bending phobia. I completely and utter lose it, become totally irrational. I can’t even LOOK at a picture of a spider without wanting to crawl into a little ball. I can’t kill them, I can’t do anything but hope to God that someone else is nearby to take care of it. And yes, I realize I need to get this fixed but it’s going to have to stand in line behind my other problems.
Back to the thing crawling at me while I’m driving. It’s truly a miracle I didn’t crash, and can you just imagine THAT police report. Driver distracted by spider, drives into tree.
Not pretty. So I did the sensible thing. I jerked the car to a stop and hopped out of it. Yeah, in the middle of the road. And yeah, I realize how stupid that is, you do not need to tell me. Did I start this by saying this was a good smart story? No, I did not. Sweating bullets, in tears, standing in the middle of the residential and thankfully empty street, I whipped out my phone and called Alpha Man. “T-there’s a BIG s-spider in my c-car!”
Well aware of my little problem, he immediately said “pull over”.
“I’m over! I’m standing in the middle of the road and I need you to come get me.”
Now I should tell you I am not exactly proud of how helpless I felt and was. I swear, 99% of the time I’m a modern woman who can fend for myself, but this was a SPIDER, people. A big, fat, hairy spider.
“Jill,” he said calmly. (Which at the time I so DID NOT appreciate). “I’m a half hour away. Just get back in the car, drive it home. Get the shop-vac out of the garage and suck the sucker right into it. You’ll be fine.”
Oh boy. You have no idea how difficult that all sounded. My knees were quivering but somehow, I got back into the car. I even drove home (only 3 blocks), even though I think I had my eyes half closed so I wouldn’t look at the HUGE SPIDER standing on my dash staring me down. By the time I pulled into the driveway as if my own ass was on fire, I had sweat pouring down my back. I ran out of the car and into the garage, making deals with God the whole way. “Please let the spider stay where I can get him, please don’t let him vanish in my car or I’ll never drive it again . . .”
I found the Shop-vac, yanked it down the driveway toward my car and turned it on.
No go.
The cord wasn’t long enough and it had pulled out of the socket in the garage. I ran back to the garage, searched out the extension cord and flipped it on again. Dust flew out of the thing and all over me. Spitting it out, I whirled to the car, heart in my throat . . . the badass spider was still on my dash but he was on the move, quickly heading toward the radio where I would never find him. Cringing, and yeah, okay I might have been saying “ohmigod, Ohmigod, Ohmigod” like a mantra, but hey, this was my first spider kill, I reached in close . . . and vacuumed the sucker up.
It happened so fast and so easily, I immediately went silent and still, staring at the vacuum. What the hell? I’d sweated buckets and used up every ounce of energy and it’d been THAT easy? Seriously? I felt so stupid that I went inside and rejuvenated with a box of cookies.
So here’s the question of the day. What have you always been afraid of and thought you could never, ever, ever, EVER do? And have you conquered the fear? Did you have to recover with a box of cookies and a nap?
Posted by Jill @ 1:00 am | Make a Comment
Dee Thompson says:
I have an irrational fear of kangaroos. Last time I went to the zoo there was a Depends moment when a kangaroo hopped towards me. I can’t take the kids to the zoo. Between the kangaroo and the poop smell, it just ain’t happening.
See blog for more…
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 3:20 amStacy ~ says:
Jill! I’m so proud of you! You are invincible! A superheroine! “Cookie Woman Battles the Ginormous Spider”! I see a sequel in the works, possibly a romance…”Crazy in Love: Cookie Woman vs the Alpha Man”. For a more rustic appeal…”Cookie Woman and the Adventures of Killer Bear”.
My thing is heights. Even on a plane. One day I hope to go skydiving…just haven’t gotten around to it yet.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 3:25 amLaura says:
Something I thought I could (and never would have to) do is dispose of a possum at the foot of the bed (on the floor, but still!). I never was convinced that it was dead (they do play possum you know) so I was completely freaked out. It took me a couple of hours to get it from the bedroom to the trash can in the garage - and not only is it an attached garage, there’s little closer to the garage than my bedroom. And I was exhausted when it was all said and done and had to call in sick
to work that day to recover.
And that was a dead possum. The live one the dogs brought in a couple of weeks later required that I introduce myself to my neighbor when I asked them to please help out (no alpha man to have handle for me).
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 3:25 amJudy F says:
I hate bees. They terrify me no end. Heights I am ok with as long as I feel secure.
Congrats on saving the day.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 4:16 amAshley says:
Heights and crowds. I’m not a phobic per se, but they make me extremely uncomfortable. I’ve flown (hate it) and I go to amusement parks with my kids and do my best to ignore it. Have I conquered it? Nope, just learned to live with it.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 4:44 amAshley says:
Like Stacy and the other Ashley, I am terrified of heights, I have never been on a plane because of this, My motto is “I can swim, I can’t fly!”. However, I’m taking a vacation in September to Vegas, which will require a plane, so wish me luck, but if you see a newspaper article about a young women having to be sedated mid-flight, you’ll know it was me!!!
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 5:51 amjo says:
I am with you on the spiders. I see one and the neighbors all around us can hear me scream. My hubby has to come running to take care of it. If i am by myself i usually just run away. I have had to pull over in the car and jump out because of one before, i even managed to kill that one much to my hubbys happiness. Although I prefer to leave the killing to him.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 5:55 amLiza says:
I hate spiders too! I can kill them, but I prefer for someone else to take them out(what is they came back looking for me). I have to see the dead body of the spider(or any other bug) to feel like it is ok to sleep, especially if said spider or bug is in my house. I agree that cookies and a nap will fix anything.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 5:56 amAng. says:
I really dislike snakes but my biggest is rats or even mice. Something about that tail just grosses me out.
I even cringe when I see them on the TV. Of course DD thinks they are just the cutiest things and she wants one.. 
not gonna happen in this house. Hope the cookies revived you.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 6:27 amTina says:
My Sister-n-law is just like you. She can’t even look at a picture without freaking out.
We had a young lady in our community killed in a car accident b/c the husband was trying to kill a spider (she had the same phobia) and the car went off the road & flipped. So, I think you were very smart to stop even if you were in the middle of the road.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 6:56 amJen(aside) says:
I’m terrified of tornadoes, which isn’t a good thing living in Iowa.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 6:59 amAmy says:
I am less afraid of going up in a hot air balloon (what WAS my mother thinking to get that for us for Christmas?) than I am of Spiders. I HATE spiders. To the nth degree.
My husband has joked that the only reason I married him is to kill spiders for me (not true: there are MANY other things he does like kill bees, wasps and pick up dog poop). Once, he was at a conference and the boys and I were alone and there was a spider the SIZE OF A DINNER PLATE in the stairwell. No way was I leaving the house when that THING might wander off to a good hiding place and we’d never find it again. I’d have to move. So we shot at it with rubber bands until it fell on the stairs. one of the boys had the vacuum running, so as soon as it hit the carpet, we sucked it up.
But I almost rearended someone when a spider came out of the steering column on its web….and RIGHT INTO MY LAP.
I hate spider season.
::shudder::
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 7:01 amPatty L. says:
I have the the “knee-knocking, bowel quivering, mind-bending phobia” of snakes.
We recently went on vacation to the Smokey Moutains and went river rafting. This was a wonderful experience until the snake incident. I was traveling along with the rapids when I was pushing near some fallen branches. I knew the possibilities of snakes was great and had made an effort to stay in the middle of the river. Unfortunately, a large woman felt the need to push off of me and pushed me even closer to the branches. I casually placed my hands in the water to go further down, and that’s when I saw them 10-15 snakes (I wish I was exaggerating) hanging and slithering along the branches.
This is when I tell you that I am not proud of my actions, but I screamed, jumped off of my raft and tried to run on the slimy rocks to get away from the slithering creaturs. I dropped my camera (waterproof), left the raft and the children.
It was every woman for herself. I made a horrible scene and didn’t care. I scared woman, children and even a few men. I banged up my knee (1 month later and it’s still bruised and sore) and vowed to never step back into the river once I got out.
It was the longest 15 minutes of my life getting to the drop off spot. My daughter and neices were wonderful, they understood my fear and didn’t make fun of me, but on the way back to the lodge I heard people talking about the woman who freaked over seeing some snakes.
That’s my shameful story.
So Jill, you have my utmost respect, I could never have disposed of a snake. You are a true hero.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 7:05 amCasee says:
You must have the best husband ever. Using a shop vac…how genius is that? He probably didn’t even consider telling you to swat it or squish it.
I’m terrified of small dogs. Small dogs are so cute, but they are mean little suckers. I should know, I have one. He doesn’t like anyone except for me, my husband, and my two kids. Maybe my brother. But he has permanently changed my opinion about small dogs.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 7:18 amJill says:
Casee, you’re right, he didn’t waste his time trying to convince me to squish it, something he already knew I couldn’t possibly do. In hindsight, his calm instructions were exactly what I needed, not that I appreciated it at the time, lol.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 7:24 amDru says:
I will stand up to a bear. Face a lion. Yell at a whale but that little, nasty, 4-legged animal with the long tail that is called mouse or rat frightens the heck out of me. One time I locked myself out of my apartment because the mouse was inside.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 8:04 amSusan says:
Yippee! You rock, Jill!
I’m afraid to go in a pool. I went in once since my accident and ended up face down in the water, unable to do anything about it. Thank goodness my dog was there and started barking because my dad and uncle, who were suppose to be keeping me safe, got distracted talking golf.
I haven’t gone near a pool since. 
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 8:44 amapril says:
I really don’t like any bugs. I had my mom kill a fruit fly last weekend at her house. I had the husband kill a bug that I think was already dead a couple of weeks ago. The closest I’ve come was putting a bug in a tissue and putting it in the ashtray of the car and never ever ever ever opening it again. Sometimes, I’ll splash down the drain of the shower.
I also dislike some rides but hate it when people go on them without me. Like The Tower of Terror at Disney World. I cried the first time I went on (keeping in mind that I was like 21) and the next time, my parents sat me on a bench and went without me TWO MORE TIMES! They think I’m silly, but they each have rides they won’t go on and it’s no different. I hardly make fun of them for it. I see no need to laugh at me.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 9:10 amKarin says:
Jill, I used to be absolutely terrified of any bug or spider. I used to have the same reaction you describe at the beginning of your story today - especially if the thing had wings. I almost got in an accident once because I heard something buzzing in my car and thought it was a bee. Turned out to be a fly, but I had to pull over and get out of my car and let the thing out before I could start driving again.
I’m also very afraid of snakes. I’m almost tripped when one slithered across the path in front of me when I was running a few weeks ago. It didn’t stop or anything, but it completely freaked me out.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 9:33 amlimecello says:
Jill - yay! I am so proud of you! I hate hate hate hate hate bugs. I don’t think I’m quite as bad as you -but it’s bad. I… don’t even want to imagine driving down the highway and discovering a spider. In fact, my heart rate just went up thinking about it and I feel panicked and a bit sick. [So... maybe I am just as bad.]
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 10:29 amVacuuming bugs is my favorite way to deal with them. That is, if I can’t get someone else to do it - b/c hello - what if the bug moves while I’m getting everything set up? I also run the vacuum for about 10-15 extra seconds to make sure the bug *really* is sucked in.
I’m scared of heights. In high school, the auditorium/theater had this steep set of stairs to get to the catwalk. They I believe were slatted stairs [bad news] and also the grate- so you can see through each step? I got stuck halfway up once, I think someone had to help me down. But… either junior or senior class play, I made it to the top, and looked at the catwalk. No, I did not walk across that. Still.
Donna M says:
Jill, so glad you survived the “spider” encounter & were able to follow Alpha Man’s instructions.
You are awesome.
Thank heavens he knew what to do. Needless to say I don’t get in the water much these days but I used to!!
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 11:30 amI can’t swim, paddle a bit but it is not really swimming due to that I don’t like deep water. I have to be able to touch bottom & have my head out of the water. Twice I have come close to drowning but luckily someone was there to save me. One time it was at my aunt & uncles pool & my younger cousin had to pull me to shallow water–how embarrasing!!
Suzanne says:
Good for you for overcoming your phobia to defeat the spider!!!
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 11:47 amCryna says:
Jill that as fantastic that you got the spider. My worst phobia is spiders. I used to have nightmares when I was younger and would insist that my Dad had to check the whole room out before I would go back to bed. I still hate coming upon one and having to deal with it because I live by myself. I cannot look at pictures of them either. As for driving with one in the car with me - not going o happen, so I can so associate where you are coming from with having to share the car with it. You did wonderful to be able to drive home and suck him up in the vac. You really rock, and really earned those cookies.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 11:59 amHolly says:
I just wanted to let you know I didn’t read more than the first couple sentences, because you kept saying the “S” word. In my house that’s a naughty word and I’ll wash your mouth out with soap if you say it in my presence. Just so you know.
However the rest of the story went, chances are I’m with you. I’m not rational when it comes to those things.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 1:29 pmBrandy says:
YAY JILL! You did it!
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 1:44 pmIrrational fears? Bugs. Bugs. Bugs. But, one that I conquered ONCE? I walked into a room full of strangers for my first Yoga class. I was sweating and sick to my stomach and red faced, but I took a deep breath and did it.
Jane says:
I used to be terrified of heights. I’m still not totally comfortable, but I can hang out on a balcony or look down an escalator without freaking out.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 1:51 pmjeanne says:
The worst is when they get away and you don’t know where - I wouldn’t have been able to drive the car either. We just had someone in our area kill themself, another family member and injure 3 more because she did hit a tree because a bee was in her car. I’m also afraid of driving highways or anywhere you have to blend into traffic or go anywhere that I could get lost.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 1:59 pmNina says:
I hate it when the insect gets away and I can’t find them. I always think they’re sitting in a corner plotting against me. I do not like any insects. I declare war on any that comes into my home. In nature they can roam free, but in my home they’re the enemy and one of us is going to die.
The thing I hate most of all is shots. Either when the nurse draws blood or if I have to get vaccinated or something. It’s the needle. I hate them! I want to run away and hide. I am seriously afraid to hurt someone out of sheer panic so I usually warn the nurse that I am terrified. It has gotten better the last year or so though. I can control it better. Afterwards I always feel like a superheroine that seriously deserves a cookie and defintely a nap (panicking makes me really tired).
Nina
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 4:16 pmBayou Woman says:
Me? Afraid? Are you kidding? I am BAYOU WOMAN and I fear no alligator, armadillo, or snake! But I cannot, cannot stand a spider. I WILL KILL THEM using any device necessary, but someone else has to come clean up the mess afterward!
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 4:22 pmErin E. says:
Bravo Jill! For me it was crayfish. I have a thing about anything with claws to pinch, and feet that skitter. These suckers crawl all over each other! But I had to suck it up and not only pick one up, but I needed to be able to do it in front of a room full of 9 year olds. I just about had a heart attack. Still don’t like going near the things, but at least I know I can if I have to.
Posted on July 14th, 2008 at 7:08 pmsarah says:
WTG, Jill!
I used to be terribly afraid of bugs — irrationally freaked — but was worried my girls would grow up that way because of me, so I’ve tried to be braver. (And they are fearless, yay!)
The biggest thing I’ve done is pull a tick off my child’s EYELID! It got right between the lashes. The doctor wouldn’t do it, DH wouldn’t do it… I walked up and tweezed that sucker. One of those super-human, lift-a-car moments. lol
Posted on July 16th, 2008 at 1:11 pmShannon McKelden says:
I have to say…while completely understanding and sharing your phobia…that I am VERY glad you pulled over safely. When I was a teenager (prior to seatbelt laws), I was in a car with friends, lying down in the back seat, when a spider appeared over my friend’s girlfriend’s shoulder in the front passenger seat. She freaked out, he (while driving 40 MPH up a steep hill) leaned over to kill it for her…and crossed the center line and drove us over a cliff. I am soooo not kidding! Not being seatbelted, I hit the ceiling of the car when we rolled twice down the hill. Thankfully none of us was killed.
And yes, the police report mentioned something about spiders…oh and the naked mannequin we had in the back of the station wagon that we’d stolen from my boyfriend’s house. Hmmm…I’m thinking I should use this as a scene in a book! Nobody steal this!
Glad you are safe and killed that little sucker!
Posted on July 16th, 2008 at 3:52 pmShelly says:
Yay! Score one for the J-Team!!
My biggest, hairiest, most audacious fear was going to vet school. Not, really the going part but the trying and not getting in and being denied my life’s biggest dream part.
Didn’t matter that I’ve known that I am supposed to be a vet since I was… oh…. two years old. Still the fear of failing kept me stuck for my entire life.
That is until I turned 40 and somehow my “shop-vac” came out and I FINALLY sucked up that fear and returned to school. I still don’t know if I will get accepted but I can tell you that I will die trying. They may get so sick of seeing me that they let me in just so I’ll graduate and go away.
Posted on July 17th, 2008 at 10:05 am