May 15, 2008 | Filed under: Stuff
As unbelievable as this next statement is going to seem — and I have been waiting a long time to type it — the snow is gone from the grass in our front yard!
I still can’t believe I even live in a place where I get to type such a sentence. This ex-Los Angeles girl used to view winter as those two weeks where flip-flops were risky. Ha! How little I knew about Sorrels and fleece-lined jeans and earmuffs.
Anyway, with the snow GONE, Alpha Man and I dragged out the deck furniture and then went beneath the house to turn the pipes back on for the sprinklers. We’d turned them off (and I say we, meaning Alpha Man and the mouse in his pocket) back in late September so that the pipes wouldn’t freeze and break.
Again, a few years back, that would have been a foreign statement to me. Back in Los Angles, nothing froze. NOTHING.
So we crawled beneath the house (okay, I didn’t crawl but I held the flashlight and hey, that’s an important job) and Alpha Man cranked the thingie-ma-bob to the on position. We immediately heard the rush of water and figured all was well.
Ha.
And really, in hindsight, Alpha Man should have known better. Things never go “well” when I’m involved. But I digress. We got distracted by a bird’s nest and then the silly dogs, so it was a few minutes before we walked around the house to the front again but halfway there Alpha Man said a word I’m not going to type here because people don’t like that word apparently, but let me just say it rhythms with luck, which has nothing at all to do with what happened next. Alpha Man took off running, right in the middle of me talking, and I was like hey, talking here!
He didn’t care. When I got to the front of the house, there was water spurting up from beneath our front porch, and I’m not talking a little water. I’m talking geyser. And then there was Alpha Man, diving beneath the porch, ignoring the spiders and gook and gross things that live there, trying to hold back the water with his body. “A pipe burst,” he yelled. “Go turn the water back off!”
Yeah. Okay. Um . . . “I’m not sure I can—“
“Just try!”
Oh boy. I went running back around the house, and then stared into the dark space. I really hate dark spaces. But then I thought of Alpha Man doing his part while risking life and limb. I really hate it when he’s the better person. So I went into the dark space and crawled up to the pipes and guess what.
Problem.
There were two valves and I had absolutely no idea which one to turn. I had my cell phone but I figured calling Alpha Man wasn’t going to really work seeing as he was a tad bit busy trying to hold back the water with his body.
So I turned them both off. Then we dealt with the water cleanup, which took a long time. And then we had pizza because we were starving. And then American Idol came on and I got very distracted. It wasn’t until much later that Alpha Man came up to me. “Is there something you forgot to mention?” he asked.
“Well, now that you think of it, yeah. I sort of found your stash of M&M’s earlier and ate them. All.”
He blinked. “And . . .?”
“And okay, dammit. I ate your ho-ho’s. Sue me.”
He sighed. “Jill, I just went to go take a shower and there’s no water. None.”
Oh yeah! I’d turned off both valves and forgotten to mention it. Only now it was midnight and Alpha Man didn’t feel like crawling beneath the house in the middle of the night. Which meant I didn’t get a shower either.
And worse, I had confessed to the crimes of eating his crap food when I didn’t have to! Next time, I’m going to remember to keep my mouth shut until I know exactly what he knows . . .
Posted by Jill @ 1:00 am | Make a Comment
Judy F says:
Poor Jill. You did try. I hope you got some credit for that.
Yup Next time wait before you confess…. LOL
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 2:56 amStacy ~ says:
Hey, you turned the water didn’t you? That was the whole point wasn’t it? You deserve a medal Jill. Rosie the Riveter’s got nothing on you *g* Just one bit of advice: admit nothing.
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 3:28 amPat L. says:
You guys are too much. So funny. Perfect pairing.
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 4:11 amLaura says:
Sorry, I had to laugh when I read that. I can so sympathize with everything you thought and did…and of course it’s always funnier when it happens to someone else.
Hope everything’s better now.
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 4:24 amKim A. says:
OMG, this is hilarious! Thanks for my morning laugh! (Of course, it wouldn’t be so funny if it happened to me….)
-Kim
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 5:19 amSonya says:
Too funny! Thanks for the smile this morning.
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 5:29 amLiza says:
Thanks for the laugh this morning Jill!
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 5:38 amMental P Mama says:
Oh that is good!
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 5:40 amBailey Stewart says:
At least you knew WHERE to turn it off. Don’t ask, but lets just say the INSIDE of the house was involved. I think you’re contagious.
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 5:41 amLaurie says:
You’re a brave woman, Jill! I have to admit though, that I had children for a reason - dark, cobwebby places that need crawled into being one of them!
Contest on my blog, everyone, for a book from Jill’s backlist - check it out!
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 6:06 amAndi Fishlock says:
It just dawned on me why I love ready your blog so much, and feel like i know you when I really honestly don’t - you keep it real girl! Thanks for sharing with us, and making us realize we are not all that different. You could keep a glossy I-am-so-perfect veneer like so many other people do, but I love that you don’t. Thankfully our valves are not under the house, but I have stood on the tops of ladders screaming at my husband to tell me which of the @#$%^ switches he means!
Love you Jill!
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 6:41 amJill says:
I love you too, lol, all of you, for hanging with me every day. Writing can be lonely, but having you guys around makes it far less so!
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 6:44 amTina says:
“apparently, but let me just say it rhythms with luck”
Are you saying that b/c of the tv anchor that got in trouble after saying that word that rhythms luck, when she thought she was off air? Its seems that I heard that some people wants her to be fired for it.
I don’t like that word to be said around the kiddos but I will confess to using that word whenever things are a bit ummm.
Anyway, I think that your espisode are just to funny. Beside, didn’t AM already get a shower in the yard?
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 7:00 amMelissa's Cozy Teacup says:
Girl, you NEVER give up the goods. My husband always say to me when I interrogate him, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’. But I know darn well and good he knows exactly what I’m talking about. feign ignorance, always.
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 7:05 amAshley says:
Absolutley love this story, and let me just say -Mad props to you for even going under that house because there is no way in hell I would have!!
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 7:11 amAnd when in doubt always use my favorite question “What are you talking about?”(always use with lots of exclamation points!!), before confessing to anything that could get you in a sticky situation!!
Lisa J says:
And they say confession is good for the soul!!!????
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 7:39 amhummmm, I wonder.
Suzanne says:
LOL, well, I’d have been getting one of the KIDS to go under that house!!!
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 7:43 amDru says:
Jill, you just brightened my day.
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 7:48 amAllie says:
Jill, your life is such a hoot.
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 8:20 amJill says:
Believe me, I was desperate enough to send a kid instead of me but they’re never around when I need them!!!
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 8:42 amapril says:
hahaha, not if you had me as a kid. Oh, there’d be no way!
Of course, I live in the 16th floor of a high-rise so more often than not, I don’t have any water than too much water.
I was held hostage in my car for 5 minutes at the gas station holding up the line because there was a spider on my car door and he wouldn’t move and let me pass. This is beyond the fact that I HATE getting gas, but I couldn’t NOT get it either. Seeing as I trained the boy to get up with the baby every morning including the weekends, I don’t complain as much about the gas situation. I’m still icked out by the baby’s sniffles. There’d be no way I’d be all crawling under a house or touching something where insects once crawled. Then, there’d be the lefty loosey, righty tighty deal going on in my head. Let’s just say if I was there, Alpha Man would have better luck starting the ark than waiting for me to turn off the water.
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 8:55 amlimecello says:
Sorry to be laughing at your pain, Jill, but I’ve had a terrible day and this just put a huge smile on my face. Hehe- it’s always an adventure with you!
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 9:12 amSusan says:
Now no where in that story did I see where Alpha Man specified which valve to turn off, so you did do as he said… you turned off the water. At great risk to life and limb I might add!
Anymore make Alpha Man be very clear about what he is asking before you answer.
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 10:11 amOkie Sister says:
DOH!
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 10:57 amSounds like something I would do all in the name of “helping.” Ha Ha!
Although, I would have made my husband crawl under the house at midnight and fix it, because nothing comes between me and my evening shower/bath.
Brandy says:
Never confess, ever. And you did what he asked, what more did he want? *g*
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 11:26 amJudy F says:
I think its his fault. He knows you never go under there so he should have told you the value on the right or left to turn off. LOL
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 1:52 pmCryna says:
Jill it was cool that you went under there and turned the valve off.
As for doing both you know you had the right one that way…….but never confess to taking his treats……. 
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 2:03 pmSamantha P says:
Personally, I think it was really cool of you to turn EITHER of them off. All he said was to turn the water - he didn’t say which one! hehe
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 3:45 pmMelanie says:
Thanks for making me laugh!! I really needed it.
This and a dose of McDreamy tonight should just about do it.
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 5:25 pmjeanne says:
LOL I was so afraid you were going to tell us there was something else under there with you!!!
Posted on May 15th, 2008 at 7:17 pm