Motherhood, not all its cracked up to be
January 30, 2008 | Filed under: Stuff
The other day I ran around all day like a chicken with her head cut off, errands here, errands there, and then in the afternoon the girls had a basketball game and that went into overtime and when I finally got home, the animals were waiting at the door like WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?
All I wanted were my pj’s and food. I’d texted Alpha Man saying that if he brought home dinner, he’d be a very lucky man. Hopefully he bothered to look at his phone.
Meanwhile, the dog was stepping on the puppy and the puppy was stepping on the kitten, so I set down the mail, the laptop, peeled off the hat and gloves and coat, and picked up the kitten first to save her life. Did she thank me? Sort of. She was purring and acting all adorable and nuzzling in my hair and neck and against my favorite sweater and suddenly through my exhausted haze I realized she was STINKY.
I pulled her away to look at her and that’s when I saw it. POOP on her back legs and belly. As this is winding its way through my brain, which was resgistering YOU HAVE KITTEN POOP ALL OVER YOU, YOU HAVE KITTEN POOP ALL OVER YOU, the puppy is hunched over and making a funny noise.
She was throwing up on my mail. And my coat. And my scarf. And when I shouted NO, she ran off and hunched over and threw up on the living room rug.
So I’m holding a squirming kitten with poop all over me, and the puppy is throwing up. And maybe I yell WTF and the puppy takes that to mean NOT THERE EITHER, and she runs to another spot on the living room floor and begins to throw up THERE. Because that spot is so much better.
I feel this urge to start screaming.
At this point my cell phone starts ringing and I look at the ID. Good, it’s the husband. I can yell at the husband. “WHAT?” I say into the phone, smelling like poop, watching the dog puke.
“I’m bringing home pizza with the works.”
He was sounding quite proud of himself, like a man who’d read his text and had high hopes for the evening. But now with the poop and the puke, I want to never eat again. “New plan,” I said. “I’m running away from home. Alone.”
There was a silence as he processed this. “Did you want Chinese instead?”
Tags: family, funny, humorous, kids, mom, parenting, pets
Posted by Jill @ 1:00 am | Make a Comment
Judy F says:
oh my I have had moments like that with my pets but not as bad. I could never understand why my old Dusty would move from the nice easy to clean kitchen floor to the run to puke. Hope your day got better.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 3:57 amDru says:
This was definitely a Calgon night for you. I hope the rest of your week is a better one.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 4:05 amStacy ~ says:
Oy Jill. I’d run away too, where there was no snow, or sick pets, or dangerous wildlife. An island sounds rather lovely, with hot cabana boys…er, men, who granted me every wish and never let me utter the word “cleaning”. Heaven…
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 4:08 amCarrie says:
You need to write a book on the adventures of Jill. It would be a best seller. Sorry you had such a bad day. I bet the kitten loved the bath. :yuck:
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 5:48 amPatty L. says:
Poor Jill. Sounds like you need a vacation from home. LOL
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 6:11 amKelly Boyce says:
While I sympathize with your poop woes, I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard this early in the AM for a long time!
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 6:39 am:rotfl:
naomi says:
OMG, poor Jill! Funny, but poor Jill. I hope the Alpha Man did more than just bring home pizza. I hope he offered to clean up the barf, and wash the kitten. And give you a back rub. And offers of a vacation to a tropical getaway where there are no pets, no kids, no snow, no coyotes. And lots of cookies.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 6:42 amLiza says:
Jill you should eat cookies for breakfast. Not sure that it will make you forget the kitten poop or puppy puke, but it will make you feel better. Thanks for the laugh first thing this morning.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 7:14 amapril says:
I have to say that it makes lack of sleep seem not so bad. Baby has been great sleeping through the night and, last night, she forgot how and woke up constantly. Luckily, Husband gets up with her, but she’s still loud. I’d rather deal with crying than bodily fluids.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 7:51 amMelissa's Cozy Teacup says:
:yuck: Why is it that animals can find the ONLY spot in the universe that is carpeted on which to do their puking?
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 8:04 amAlice Audrey says:
:rotfl:
I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t laugh at your misfortune.
:rotfl:
Let’s just
:rotfl:
pretend I’m not.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 8:11 amDevon Ellington says:
Oh, yeah, I’ve had days like that with the beasts.
Elsa used to pull out all the bills — only the bills, mind you – and pee on them. I mean, i totally agreed, but made payment kind of, um, difficult.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 8:25 amErin says:
Just when I think my day is starting poorly. I know I shouldn’t laugh. I know this. And yet… :rotfl:
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 8:42 amAllie says:
How awful! :yuck:
But so amusing to the rest of us, sorry!
I hope today goes MUCH better, for everyone. And I hope the kitten and puppy are feeling better.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 9:36 amCourtney says:
You and the DH crack me up. Ahh, the joys of motherhood and puppies.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 10:01 amLexi Connor says:
Oh, poor hubby! Oh yeah, and poor Jill.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 10:11 amBailey Stewart says:
That’s why I could never understand why my cats always preferred the dry clean only comforter to have hairballs on …
Hugs Jill, but I did laugh. And DH makes me laugh too.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 10:20 amPat L. says:
Poor You. How funny tho’ I can’t believe what happens to you.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 11:21 amBrandy says:
It’s even worse in the middle of the night when you get up to get a drink of water and step in it because you didn’t bother to turn on the light. Or put in your contacts so that you can actually SEE.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 11:29 amHugs Jill!
kris says:
Poor Jill, at least not all days are like that. You have definitely earned a cookie fest.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 11:29 amDonna M says:
No one should have those kind of days. I hope all is better now.
Your talent is showing! 
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 12:10 pmI have to confess to laughing at your description of a terrible day!
May today be filled with no stress, healthy pets & cookies!
Cryna says:
OMG Jill what a day, but I have to admit that I was :rotfl: I hope that it all turned out okay, and that you had cookies to help you.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 1:36 pmSusan says:
Some of the joys of having pets!
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 1:44 pmStephani's Serendipity says:
I am SO SORRY! What an awful awful thing to come home to. I hope that today is a much much better day and that it has nothing to do with puke and throw up. :no:
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 4:04 pmjeanne says:
Oh tears are rolling down my face
With my 7 cats there is hardly a day that doesn’t go by that one of them (especially my old one) isn’t gaking on something. One of my favorites is when I’ve just changed beds from top to bottom and have to do it all over again because of course it goes through everything. Luckily I haven’t had a poop problem since my dogs – good thing kitty is soooo cute :rotfl:
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 4:23 pmCaryn says:
Oh no! What a greeting! I hope you got everything under control without too much trouble and then had an enjoyable dinner.
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 6:40 pmVal Cox says:
oh that’s hilarious, poor guy, he can’t win!
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 8:38 pmAsthmagirl says:
With three dogs and three cats, it seems like there is always a pet throwing up at our house. The youngest dog enjoys a game of hide the turds on top of that. However no one brings me dinner. Whatever he brought, I hope your evening improved!
Posted on January 30th, 2008 at 8:54 pm