Bears – 2, Stupid Human – 0

Yeah, we’re batting zero. Today was sunny and gorgeous. Still snow everywhere of course, but I pulled out a beach chair and sat on the lawn. Which is covered in four feet of snow, mind you, so it was a climb up there. But sit I did, and just soaked up some rays. Sure I was bundled up, but THE SUN WAS OUT. I had my People magazine, my iced tea . . . I’m spring ready.

And then I sort of dozed. Woke up to a rustle. And then blinked in shock as a bear walked right past my outstretched legs.

Um … YIKES. I’d been so still, he just hadn’t bothered with me. Until I jerked upright, dropping the magazine and the tea. Bear! Right THERE! I mean seriously, holy shit. So he keeps walking, and then about five feet from me, lumbers around to look at me.

Stare down contest.

I couldn’t take it. I went running up the open stairs to my front door . . . only of course it was locked. I’d come outside through the garage. Idiot. Moron. Bear Bait!!! Hyperventilating now, I had to come back down the stairs, walk RIGHT PAST THE BEAR, who is by now sitting on my driveway curiously watchng the stupid human run around like a chicken without her head. He didn’t bother me as I raced into the garage. I ran to the back, hit the close door button.

Have you ever noticed how SLOWLY a garage door closes?

But I’ve lived to tell the tale, so that’s something . . .

And I’ve got to say. Yesterday’s spider suddenly doesn’t seem so bad.

29 Comments on “Bears – 2, Stupid Human – 0

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  1. Well now…that’d get your attention! Scary…you know they can outrun just about anything…good job he was still dopy from the hibernation…ours are just starting to come out now….blackies reported, no grizzs yet….praying I run into to no moose anytime soon….cows will be prepping for calving and they get really testy!

  2. So glad your OK, but . . . LMAO! You seriously need to get together with a comedy writer and give him/her your stories. 🙂

  3. Don’t feel bad about your reaction. I would have done the same thing. And yes, garage doors are VERY slow to close.

  4. Omfg, I’d have peed my pants. You should carry that bear spray with you at alll times. I could just imagine if he could talk, him going back to his den telling his other half this story and laughing at it. Either way, I’d still have peed my pants.

  5. This stuff is always funny when it happens to someone else, haha. Glad nothing happened, and you got to your garage safe, but now I really want to read the bear’s version of this. Wink, wink.

  6. I love your posts – they just brighten up my day & make me feel so normal! I’m pretty sure the bear was wondering WTF? I would probably have passed out from terror, so kudos to you for your sprinting ability. The dogs were probably inside wishing they could join the fun, right? Bear beats spider any day – hope you didn’t lose a boot this time.

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