Wash and repeat

So Alpha Man had this brilliant idea. “Let’s take the dogs paddle boarding,” he says. “It’ll be fun.”

Hmm. I can barely stay on my paddle board all on my own, so you can imagine why I was a little skeptical. But we packed up the dogs and went to the lake. We decided that given my, um, state of absolutely NO grace, that I should take Ashes on my board. The old lady is quiet, calm and tough as hell. She’s also my self appointed guardian.

So Alpha Man helped me load Ashes on the paddle board with me, and off we went.

Alpha Man loaded himself and Frat Boy on his board. And here’s where it went all bad. Frat Boy didn’t want to be with his daddy. He wanted his mama, NOW. He took one look at me and Ashes about twenty yards down the lagoon and took a flying leap off Alpha Man’s board and started swimming for me.

Have you ever seen a year old black lab swim? They do it with their entire heart and soul. Eyes wide, ears flopping, tongue lolling, they slap their HUGE front paws down into the water with each stroke like they’re making for China.

I saw Frat Boy coming at me and Ashes, and I started yelling. “No! Frat Boy, no! Go back!”

Because I knew what was going to happen. Ashes and me, we’re of like minds. We like to stay dry. We like to stay upright. We like to gently float.

And a hundred pound Frat Boy was heading straight for us, with one thing on his mind. FUN! And sure enough, there was no stopping him. Soon as he got close, he made a flying leap out of the water and onto my board, knocking poor Ashes off and me to my knees. So now I’m clinging to the board, precariously perched and desperately trying to stay out of the water because God forbid THE HAIR, THE HAIR CAN’T GET WET OR IT WILL FRIZZ!

Meanwhile, Ashes is in the water, her hair is frizzing all over the place, and she is pissed.

Oh, and Alpha Man? On his board, laughing his ass off so hard he nearly fell in all on his own.

Much later, he kept saying to me, all gleeful and laughing again at the memory, “you scream really loud.” Yes. Yes, thank you, I sure do.

When I recovered, I tried again. With Frat Boy firmly on the shore, hoping he wasn’t missing a party or anything.

It didn’t work, no matter what we did, Frat Boy had to be with me on my board. And I couldn’t get my balance with a wriggly, overgrown puppy on it with me. So we gave up. This was no problem for Alpha Man, who’d much rather be doing something MUCH faster anyway. Like being dragged behind a boat at top speeds.

Boys. They never grow up …

19 Comments on “Wash and repeat

  1. Sounds like Frat Boy thinks you and Ashes are more of a party than Alpha Man. Frat Boy looks so sad in the pic on the shore.

  2. Mommy is the glue that keeps the family together and Frat Boy and Ashes know it, that’s why they want to be with you.

  3. Why is it that the mommies are always the ones to suffer. I’ve always told people my husband is my oldest child, and since he’s a male child he’ll never be older than 14. God I love that man!! Poor Frat boy looked pathetic in that last pic. Happy weekend

  4. the end result seems so simple just get on a boat and drag an adrenaline junkie from behind while two dogs are either on the shore or in the boat with you. Funny stuff jill made my morning

  5. First off love the hair!! You could so put Snookie to shame if you wanted to!! LOL. Second poor ashes. I hope she got Frat Boy back for that. Third I would of made sure Alpha Man fell off his board, paybacks are a bitch. And lastly I did feel sorry for Frat Boy on the shore.

  6. How do you let him talk you into these things? I’m sorry. I laughed so hard I was glad I wasn’t drinking my coffee or I would have either choked or snorted it out of my nose. I stumbled on to your blog and now I look forward to seeing what kind of adventure or misadventure you’re having at the time.

  7. I was reading this at work. Not good, but very funny! I love your paddle boarding stories. They always make me laugh!

  8. Oh, that’s just hysterical! My six-year-old is sitting here next to me, saying, “Mommy, stop laughing! Why are you laughing?”

    This one goes in my link list under “Class V Beverage Alerts”!

  9. **snort**

    Hubby thinks our dogs are his- I really don’t have the heart to tell him that if they had to rescue one of us, he’d lose.

    Frat Boy feels the same way obviously.

  10. *ROTFLMAO*

    My two roomies couldn’t understand why I was laughing so hard, so I read it out to them…between hysterical giggles that is.

    Okay you now have two more fans!

  11. Hysterical! Isn’t it crazy how attached those lab boys get to momma? Mine is the same way. He’d walk all over his daddy, just to get to me.

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