So Alpha Man had this brilliant idea. “Let’s take the dogs paddle boarding,” he says. “It’ll be fun.”
Hmm. I can barely stay on my paddle board all on my own, so you can imagine why I was a little skeptical. But we packed up the dogs and went to the lake. We decided that given my, um, state of absolutely NO grace, that I should take Ashes on my board. The old lady is quiet, calm and tough as hell. She’s also my self appointed guardian.
So Alpha Man helped me load Ashes on the paddle board with me, and off we went.
Alpha Man loaded himself and Frat Boy on his board. And here’s where it went all bad. Frat Boy didn’t want to be with his daddy. He wanted his mama, NOW. He took one look at me and Ashes about twenty yards down the lagoon and took a flying leap off Alpha Man’s board and started swimming for me.
Have you ever seen a year old black lab swim? They do it with their entire heart and soul. Eyes wide, ears flopping, tongue lolling, they slap their HUGE front paws down into the water with each stroke like they’re making for China.
I saw Frat Boy coming at me and Ashes, and I started yelling. “No! Frat Boy, no! Go back!”
Because I knew what was going to happen. Ashes and me, we’re of like minds. We like to stay dry. We like to stay upright. We like to gently float.
And a hundred pound Frat Boy was heading straight for us, with one thing on his mind. FUN! And sure enough, there was no stopping him. Soon as he got close, he made a flying leap out of the water and onto my board, knocking poor Ashes off and me to my knees. So now I’m clinging to the board, precariously perched and desperately trying to stay out of the water because God forbid THE HAIR, THE HAIR CAN’T GET WET OR IT WILL FRIZZ!
Meanwhile, Ashes is in the water, her hair is frizzing all over the place, and she is pissed.
Oh, and Alpha Man? On his board, laughing his ass off so hard he nearly fell in all on his own.
Much later, he kept saying to me, all gleeful and laughing again at the memory, “you scream really loud.” Yes. Yes, thank you, I sure do.
When I recovered, I tried again. With Frat Boy firmly on the shore, hoping he wasn’t missing a party or anything.
It didn’t work, no matter what we did, Frat Boy had to be with me on my board. And I couldn’t get my balance with a wriggly, overgrown puppy on it with me. So we gave up. This was no problem for Alpha Man, who’d much rather be doing something MUCH faster anyway. Like being dragged behind a boat at top speeds.
Boys. They never grow up …